What do you think of my poem??? Be honest!!!?

Question

The day drips by -

Plink, plink, plink.

One drop after another

Falls on my heart of sorrow.

I lean my head back

And the sun seems to be flawless,

Yet all I see is gloom

In the clouds of my mind.

I breathe in deeply

Alas, the taste of the air is stale

And strange since he left.

So I breathe out.

I fall asleep to the ticking

Of my life disappearing,

But without him, I don't care,

Which is why I close my eyes.

The dawn brings the traces

Of the unfamiliar absence

As the icy arms of wind

Embrace my collapsing body.

I fall to the harsh ground

Unwilling to catch myself

Because I do not see the use

To live without him.

My eyes to the world close

Leaving me in blackness

That even the darkest creature

Would flee in fright.

And I feel my breath slowing

Every minute he's away

Because I am forbidden

To fall in love with him.

Answer 1

wow you are really good. u r so descriptive. i write poetry to but i have a hard time finding  a way to describe what im feeling but u have done it very well. IM VERY JEALOUS =D

Answer 2

i would get rid of "alas" in the third stanza. it would be more convincing without it,

otherwise, i like it

Answer 3

I really like it.

It sort of reminds me of twilight...but then again everything reminds me of twilight

AN AMAZIN POEM! DONT CHANGE IT

Answer 4

"The dawn brings the traces

Of the unfamiliar absence

As the icy arms of wind

Embrace my collapsing body."

That stanza by far stands out for me, the rest is pretty good, i know people will be upset by this, but this wouldv've been an amazing poem if it rhymed

take this stanza for example

"I fall to the harsh ground

Unwilling to catch myself

Because I do not see the use

To live without him."

I would've written

I fall to the harsh ground

Unwilling to catch myself

As i lay there i make no sound

I do not seek for any help

but that's just my style of poetry, to each their own :) i certainly felt your words...very strong emotion and good writing.

Answer 5

It starts out very very drippy until the second verse then it catches you like a thief in the night. It seems to tell of a love that was not meant to be. A love so strong it strangles you brethless. And it seems there's a force forbiden you whether it's human or other wise to reach out and grab onto the one who is not aloud to be in your picture of life.

I was going to give you a c+ and until the second verse hit me like a storm out of nowhere on a cold dark winter night blowing in off they Atlantic. So I have upgraded you to A+

Keep working hard

Answer 6

awesome .. keep it up

Answer 7

awww that really makes me think. i love it. sad though..:((.

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