What do you think of my poem? constructive criticism would be appreciated.?

Question

The Sunset.

Ah Night! You have come… our wedding awaits you…

Seat yourself by me that the sun and moon be seen at once,

Follow the chant and repeat,

That we may, in sanctity, our love complete…

The singing birds, mark the sacred hour begun,

Grasp my hennaed hand and lead me round the divine fires of the flaming sky,

Tie the three knots of twilight and bind me unto you,

Then supplicate that we may receive blessings of joy anew.

Farewell mother, I leave to my husband’s place.

Give me leave, my journey to begin,

Don’t cry! Smile, everyone to beguile,

For tomorrow will find me once again your child…

Beloved, my palanquin has arrived at your doorstep.

With sweet maidenly hopes to enter within

I dip my feet in holy red and place my first step across the threshold.

Take hold of my hand and accept me into your soul.

Lead me unto our chamber that you may proclaim me- mine

Shut the door gently for the world still looks on.

Cover me with your darkness for I still burn with shame;

While History is made with the end of our sublime game…

Wipe away the vermillion spot on my forehead with your kiss,

Uncloak the scarlet drape that hides my scarlet being,

Let me find my oblivion in our embrace

That Tomorrow shall again set tomorrow’s pace.

-Aparnaa.

Answer 1

Aparnaa- ji Excellent !

One at once remembers the depth in the feelings of an Indian woman and her sacred love, her crimson heart, her scarlet being, her vermilion spot , like the Rose of God :

" Rose of God, vermilion stain on the sapphires of heaven, "

and again :

" Rose of God, like a blush of rapture on Eternity's face,

Rose of Love, ruby depth of all being, fire-passion of Grace!"

Am I seeing too much to compare and remember a poem of Sri Aurobindo in all this ? I don't think so.

your poem has indeed a depth, certainly more than the characters of Sharad -babu. we are grateful to you for bringing a gem to the vistas of our poetic knowledge and appreciation.

Answer 2

Briliant, Aparnaa, brilliant. Reflection of Indian lifestyle. So much depth in that poem. Khubsurat poem.

You have so much talent. Tons of people cannot even express themselves the way you have. It is an art that you are good at, and also an honor to read your poem of greatness.

Although next time, I would recommend you use Copyright sign, so that no one would plagiarize from your poem.

Answer 3

Rich with redness. Great poem.

Answer 4

wow!!! great

Answer 5

Such sweetness, I love this poem - To follow forth the path of a new beginning. Leaving behind the child to watch your life unfold.

Lovely.

Answer 6

it's a very very wonderful poem

Answer 7

Very sweet and vivid imaginations come to my heart.

Thanks.

Answer 8

That is deep and awesome. Keep writing!!