What do you think of my poem. "the sea"?

Question

please tell me what you think and some tips to improve if you have any.

if you don't mine, rate it out of 10 **smile**

The sea

the work of the defying sun

beaming rays of beauty to the bluely rich sea

the work of the defying sun

sends the sea gentle fires

fires that stay on top and never fade as long as the sun stays

fire that crystalises and form gentle smile's on the face of the sea

the work of the defying sun

who couples with the sea and air to give you a beutifull breeze

the work of the defying sun

have you ever wandered why when the sun disapears

a black mournfull depression hits the sea.

it swivels as it waves bye to the long gone sun

it waves as it cries with surrow.

it cries using the voice of its creatures

morning comes

it sings with the voices of birds

i will never forget that day i met the sunsea

the work of the defying sunsea

beaming rays of beauty to bluely rich earth

Answer 1

A rich and powerful use of language, which makes the reader sit up and pay heed.

You may want to re-work some lines, considering which words or phrases are 100% necessary, and which can be compressed for greater effect.

Those first two long lines, for example, might gain from:

never-fading fires that stay as long as the sun stays

gently crystallising the fires into smiles on the sea's face

I don't claim these lines are brilliant, they're there to illustrate how shorter sense-groups may have a more direct impact.

"Defying sun" conjures up a vivid picture; watch out for over-repetition though.

Answer 2

it is good but I don't understand,what is a defying sun?

Answer 3

it's actually really good!!!

u are a great poet

Answer 4

6 because it has potential but it needs some work...good luck

Answer 5

Spelling is pretty bad. Somewhat childish, but keep at it, has potential.

Answer 6

Why "defying"? I mean, the composition is good, the feeling of the sea is in there, combined with the sun, which gives it a good feel- I'm at the beach with my board and a copy of Moby d**k in my mind while I'm reading your poem. The problem for me, personally, is the use of the word "defying". It's not your fault. There's so many "Sun damaged? Use this age defying lotion to heal your skin" on tv that I keep thinking of Clinique. Morrissey uses this metaphor "an ancient ocean wide.. wild, lost, uncrossed". Play with it more. Ignore stanza and iambic pantameter and all that. If you're standing at the end of the pier, what do you feel? The wind, the sea, the sun, what comes to mind for words? You let it all out on paper and then reel it back in a bit and clean it up on paper. You're completely going in the right direction!

Answer 7

maybe "the work of the defying sun is to"?

bluely?

"fires that stay on top and never fade as long as the sun stays"

very bland line, could be shortened as well

the line after that doesn't make too much sense

"fire that reflects off the smiling crystal face of the sea"?

3rd stanza can be omitted

Bad grammar and inconsistent tone

What's the controlling device?

Answer 8

Most definitely needs da TOGs to..

er..

SEA to it ???

Email immediately >>>>

to Herr Togmeister Wogan >>>>

who is busy trying to Wake Up - even as we speak..

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2 till 9.30

Answer 9

Definitely work on your spelling and grammar. Make your words count; the words have to match the tone of the poem. For example: Soft silences, soothing... soothing...

or

Thunderous waves, crashing, and clashing amongst the boulders of the boundaries.

Work on your flow, your rhythm is too choppy.

It has potential. Don't give up.