What do you think of my progolue??

Question

A dark shrouded figure moved swiftly in the darkness making their way up a steep hill to an old tower. Stopping as they reached the rusted door they looked out behind before disappearing behind the door. The tower was dark and cold, the stones that made the stairs and walls crumbled with years of neglect. It wasn’t long before the hidden figure reached another door; this time they opened it without hesitation. The old chamber they entered was covered in dark red satin draping from the ceilings, and covering the stone floor. The only light in the dark room came from the two huge arched windows that looked down on to the valley to where the kingdom lay Unlike the rest of the tower, the chamber was perfectly preserved and clean. There was no furniture in the room apart from one desk with a huge leather chair behind it. The desk was empty apart from one photo placed at the corner of the wooden surface, and a sheet of paper scrunched into a ball. The huge chair had its back to the silent figure who moved slowly towards the desk.

‘You have the news Feline,’ a husky voice echoed freezing Feline in place, she shrugged off the hood of her jacket and straightened up as tall person rose from the chair.

‘Yes, master.’ Her voice was shrill and squeaky, her blues eyes searched franticly over her master’s figure.

‘Well,’ he demanded slamming his fist against the way making his body shake. Feline moved back her blonde hair slipping out from behind her neck.

‘It’s happened,’ she said warily as she watched her master’s figure tense.

‘Did you do as I asked?’ his voice echoed louder around the chamber.

‘Well master before I got there it had…gone!’ barely speaking above a whisper she moved back again. She hadn’t moved back fast enough her master was across the chamber in seconds and wrapped his hand around her small neck.

‘You will finish the task I asked you to do and now!’ his face was inches from hers and his green eyes searched Felines face. He dropped her fragile body on to the floor and watched her scramble to the door.

‘Yes master Akakios .’ Feline’s voice was shaken with fear as she disappeared behind the door. Akakios moved to sit behind his desk again picking up the scrunched piece of paper as he did so. Smoothing it out he read the words he had already memorised one last time before smashing down the photo.

‘I loved her,’ he sighed as he disappeared from the tower.

I have just write this and haven't gone of it for any spelling or grammar mistakes. Please tell me what you think of it and what I can do to improve it.

Thanks for any help

xoxo

Answer 1

I agree with the first poster regarding the originality of it, although depending on how the rest is written, it could be an interesting story.

You have singulars and plurals mixed.  You say 'a dark shrouded figure' (singular), then in the same sentence you write 'they' (plural).  Are there more than one figure that you're not telling us about?  Who is 'they'?

I like the name Feline but have trouble with Akakios.  The trouble with the name is that it's hard to pronounce and it doesn't flow smoothly.  I find myself struggling with its pronunciation each time I come across it, instead of letting it be a part of the story.

This part does not make sense to me:

"‘I loved her,’ he sighed as he disappeared from the tower."

He disappeared?  Do you mean he left or did he actually disappear into thin air?

There are a lot of spelling errors, but as you say, it is a draft.  Editing will help.  

Like I said, it could be a pretty good story as long as you don't get contrite and follow the already published books.

Answer 2

Sounds good. The one thing that I will correct you on, make sure you don't repeat words. like when you said:

'Stopping as they reached the rusted door they looked out behind before disappearing behind the door.'

You should have said:

'Stopping as they reached the rusted door, they looked out into the shadows before disappearing behind it.'

Because you don't want to repeat the words door or behind in the same sentence.

Hope I helped! =]

Answer 3

dont even think of publishing that publishers wont accept it.  Boring read,  that is just my opinion and others may love, but not for me, sorry.

Answer 4

I couldn't get past the adjective storm of the first sentence.

Next!

Answer 5

It looks like you've combine harry potter, the golden compass and the chronicles of narnia all together. To be honest it just sounds like a million books i've attempted to read before. All the phrases and metaphors etc are the same. The "master" is the same as every other master in every other book. It's just lacking in originality. Sorry :(

Answer 6

The first thing is the shrouded figure should be an it, not a they:

A dark shrouded figure moved swiftly in the darkness, making its way up a steep hill to an old tower.

I hope you keep writing and reading.  It's with the doing that you learn.

Suggestion: It's a bad idea to present a rough draft for critique. When you want real help with something you're writing, it's a good idea to put a little work into it first.  Before presenting it for critique, do a rewrite to tighten it up and check your grammar and your spelling.  It's very difficult for someone to advise you in the rough draft stage because there's so much to fix.