What do you think of my prologue ( I edited). Is it good or bad?

Question

Prologue.

Every head turned to see me. I had to face either life or death for the actions I'd made. The crisp air hit my face while I walked the line of death. It was too late to turn back and run from this fear I have. Torture or gallows awaited for me, and both meant death. The only thing that was going through my head was the last thing he told me “Elizabeth take this- it's a key and a letter. It must be delivered to Victoria Wilson. This is a manner of life or death! ” I have failed Henry Brookfield.

I am 13 and about to be in 8th grade. Also I edited this prolouge. And Henry Brookfield probably is going to be Elizabeth's lover.

Answer 1

Wow! I think that is a really wonderful prologue. Your description of the atmosphere is excellent. Pretty good for a 13 year old =)

Answer 2

Ooh, juicy! :)

Few problems in an otherwise great paragraph:

'The crisp air hit my face.' Air is normally described as crisp when someone is having a nice stroll outside. Perhaps describe feeling clammy or trembling.

'The only thing that was going through my head'. But you're thinking about your death too, so it's not the only thing. Maybe try:

'The same thought kept running through my head...' or 'Still, though I was afraid of death, what feared me more were his last words...'

Answer 3

I'm sorry, but that's an epic fail of an edit.

Try something like this:

Their eyes bore into my back as I walked the thin tightrope of life.  If I leaned even a bit, death would consume me.  As I soldiered on, his words echoed through my head- "Elizabeth, this package must be given to Victoria Wilson."  Suddenly, the sweet darkness consumed me, and there was no more.

You need more suspense, you see?  What you have would be okay for a paragraph somewhere in the middle, but not for a prologue.  You still need to edit in any event.  There are still missing commas, and "awaited for me" is not proper grammar.

Answer 4

This is good! I get a wonderful sense of experiencing the action — I would definitely keep reading if I had the chance!