It took me about an hour to write so yea I accept its not in any way perfect and i'm completly open to any constructive critisism. So tell me whats bad and what to chop out. I'm 15 years old and in year 10, New Zealand school system (so I don't know what grade that is). But anyway what grade would you give me? . I really want an A but I know I need it needs lots of work so if you want you can copy and paste it into your answer and show me what to do with it. Thanks so much!!
No pressure, no winners. Its always been that way with Dad. I agree you need drive, but it’s where it comes from that’s truly important. We all decide who we are. Just like alcoholics choose alcohol, champions choose gold. No one can force you out of bed in the morning and carry you all the way to the podium; you have to get there yourself. Not that my dad hasn’t tried.
His pressure proved quite successful on my sister. 2nd day of the New Zealand National Children’s Colgate Athletic Competition and Kate is already the proud owner of two medals. Now it is my turn. My chance to show Dad, but more importantly myself, exactly who I am.
The gun thundered, sending all the runners in my 800m race tearing off into the distance. The lightening fast speed indicated a scene where all of the 8 year olds had just been released from a stinky classroom to the dream playground. However, as they past me I saw faces which belonged in a completely different scenario. They showed the extreme struggling and overwhelming pain.
I knew my race plan well. The Nike tick on the back of my track shoes said it all-Just Do It. Do what my heart has been screaming since my first track meet. Nerves danced in my rhythmic feet. I released them through a huge smile. Dad always told me never to smile when I was running.
“It makes you look stupid and unfocused,†he lectured me after every race.
This was not Dad’s race. It was mine. I turned into the final straight so full of giggles; I don’t know how I kept moving.
The second to last runner finished so long ago, I would have almost called it wasteful to keep the electronic timer board turned on. The small crowd and the officials exploded in the classic fit of sympathetic applause, only handed out to the biggest of losers, as I approached. Being in a sport-orientated family, I had seen more or these handed out than circulars had arrived in my letter box but only now did I realise how much they were worth. I felt phenomenal as a huge burst of unexplained pleasure sauntered through my body. I doubt I will be congratulated that much or feel that much pride ever again in my life.
Feeling the heat of my world record slow race gush to my face, I pictured Dad in a similar condition. In the crowd, his bones and muscles tight, statue still emitting more green house gases into the atmosphere than the whole of China.
The finish line came far too soon but I crossed it proudly, the ridiculous circus clown grin plastered across my face clear evidence of my immense satisfaction. I proved my Dad’s theory completely correct-Not an ounce of pressure in my body and I could not have come across as less of a winner to him nor the results board. But in my head and the “How to...escape parental pressure†section of last months Cleo magazine, I was a champion.
Here are the achievement criteria:
1. Develop idea(s) convincingly with supporting detail and explanation in a piece of writing.
2. Use a sophisticated and controlled writing style approprite to the audience, purpose and text type.
3. Structure materical clearly and effectively in a way that is approprite to the audience, purpose and text type.
4. Use writing conventions accurately.
I'm really worried about the "sophisticated writing style" because my writing seems very plain. Is there any bits in particular that sound too simple or babyish??
Thank you guys all soooooo much you have no idea what a big help you are
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