What do you think of my story? 2?

Question

I know I've already asked this but i don't think anyone read the synopsis! Oh and im 13

Synopsis:

That summer change my life. For the better? I’ll let you decide.

Alex Coley had experienced love and its consequences. After her father died she never wanted to love somebody so much again. But when her mother took her and her brother on a surprise holiday her life changed. There she met the boy with the dancing eyes, the jet black hair and the dazzling smile. There, she discovered what love truly was.

now here is the beginning of my first chapter...

The heat of the sun was overwhelming, especially considering my clothes were far from ideal. I looked down at my tight jeans, woolly socks and cotton jumper, then continued to look enviously at my brothers shorts and bare back. Michael caught my glance and smiled at me like only a nine year old could. I smiled lazily back, barely lifting up the corners of my mouth. Then closing my eyes, I imagined I was anywhere but here: On a stupid rowing boat in the middle of the Aegean Sea. To three quarters of the population this would have been paradise; clear blue waters, sandy beaches and a blistering heat. But not for me, I often thought of the worst possible scenarios; a mad dolphin dragging me to the bottom of the sea or maybe something less dramatic, like a coconut falling on my head. With these thoughts still circling in my mind, I felt myself jolt forward. Panicking, I gripped the sides of the rowing boat and looked over the side to see what had nearly tipped us over. And that’s when I saw sand. Pale white fluffy sand. I automatically reached out to touch it, scooping it up in my palm. It was warm from the sun and felt as soft and as smooth as it looked, I savoured the feeling it brought. And then I heard Michael’s high voice ruin my first peaceful moment in days.

“This place is amazing!” Michael shouted as he jumped off the boat onto the beach. I rolled up my jeans and was about to step out the boat too when I heard a noise coming from the trees. Michael must of heard it too because he started walking towards them

“Hello?” Michael yelled, crouching to try and peer through the mass of green leaves. There was no reply. Michael shrugged his shoulders as he walked towards us, signalling that he hadn’t heard anything either.

“The man showing us to the villa is supposed to be meeting us here in a minute, so that might be him,” Mum suggested. Ah yes, I’d forgotten there would be other people on the island.

“So how many people live here then?” I asked, stepping out the boat carefully.

“The man who owned the villa said there’s only a small village… and that we’d probably be the only tourists,” Mum revealed slowly.

“But we don’t speak a word of Turkish or Greek!” Michael moaned. I had to agree with him, we were on an island with a bunch of people we couldn’t even talk to.

Mum ignored him while her eyes wondered right, “I think that’s him over there!” She pointed over to a small figure coming towards us.

Michael started to jump and wave at the man and sure enough, the man waved back. I could start to see him better now; he was quite large with a balding head and thick black moustache. By the time he was in speaking distance Michael had stopped jumping and was sitting on the sand.

“Hi, we’re the Coley’s,” Mum said, reaching out her hand.

“Ah yes, I’m Mehmet,” He smiled, shaking her hand and doing the same to me and Michael. He had very big strong hands; they reminded me of Dad’s. I felt my heart sink. Even thinking of Dad made me want to cry a thousand tears.

“And your names?” Mehmet asked, a big smile set on his face.

“Oh sorry, I’m Sandra, but you can call me sandy,” Mum said. I hated when she asked people to call her Sandy because no one ever did.

“Sandy,” Mehmet repeated then laughed, “Like the beach, yes?”

Mum laughed at his bad joke, Michael and I cringed.

“And you two?” Mehmet pointed to us.

“I’m Mike, and she’s my older sister Alex,” Michael revealed.

“Alex? You’re a boy?” Mehmet laughed; another bad joke. He was reminding me more and more of dad and I couldn’t keep the grimace of my face.

“Short for Alexandra actually,” I said stiffly.

“I’m cold!” Michael announced quickly, so Mehmet might not notice my rudeness, I made a mental note to thank him later.

“Let’s go then!” Mehmet urged.

By the time we reached the villa it was pitch black, and we had resorted to using our torch to navigate through the dark. After seeing us to the door, Mehmet had left us to unpack.

“I’m going to bed mum,” I said as I made my way up the stairs with my bag.

“Are you feeling alright darling?” I heard mums voice echo from the kitchen.

“I’m just tired!” I replied, trying to sound as sleepy as possible.

“Boring old women!” Michael taunted from the living room. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with him so I carried on upstairs to my bedroom

Answer 1

In the synopsis, use present tense as soon as her mother takes her and her brother on a surprise holiday.  The other was background, so needed to be past tense, but now you're telling what happens in the story, so that needs to be present tense.

Chapter 1--

You have a good beginning, with tension, while you introduce your characters and we get some idea of what the problem is.  

I get the impression you are English or some other nationality.  I'm North American, so my understanding of grammar will be somewhat different from what you've been taught.   Bear this in mind if we disagree.  

There are some issues with punctuation.  Nothing major.  

"Said" is much better than "revealed" or "smiled."  This is a word you want to be invisible, so it doesn't jar you out of the story.  

Her eyes "wandered" instead of "wondered."--spelling.  

"Mum's"--remember apostrophe.

When you start talking about Alex and her brother in the boat, let us know that they are not alone, that Mum is with them.  

Well, I hope this helps you.  You are off to a good start.  Be aware that most writing is rewriting.  You're wise to seek feedback on your writing.  

I suggest that if you haven't already done so, to find a good writer's critique group.  The writers should be serious, helpful, and truthful but friendly.  Nevertheless, you are the final judge of your writing.

Good luck, and keep writing.

Answer 2

I enjoyed this--it's a promising start!  I think you should definitely continue (and come back to edit and tidy your grammar later)--at least, that's what usually works best for me when I'm working on a story or a novel.  That way, I keep the flow and the energy of the story going.  When I get stuck for what I want to write next--that's when I go back and start cleaning up and editing my previous stuff.  As a bonus, working with what I've written earlier often helps the ideas to start flowing.

Some of the stuff I really like here:

1)  the characters. Michael in particular has a lot of personality and is bursting out of the page.  I also liked Alex's characterization in the opening paragraph--the way she often imagines the worst scenarios tells us a lot about her state of mind.  

2)  you have an interesting setup, with the family, and the main character who has just lost her father--this will help sustain the story and give it depth.

3)  the setting.  It's intriguing, and full of exciting potential for new experiences and discoveries.  Have you been to that region?

I think my main suggestions would be (if not for now, then for when you're going back to edit):

1)  I really wanted a stronger sense of where we were.  You mentioned the Aegean, but which island--is it in Greece or Turkey (Michael alludes to both, re language), or somewhere in which there are people of both backgrounds?

2)  I also wasn't clear on why their first arrival (or so I assume, from the context) was by rowboat?  From what I've seen of the islands between Greece and Turkey, most of them would be difficult to row to, wouldn't they?  Why would they choose to arrive by rowboat?  And if they did, wouldn't they be tired, from rowing under the hot sun (plus the hassle of unloading their bags and so on would probably bear mentioning)?

3)  I don't know that I think of sand as "fluffy".  I think you also used smooth, which works better for me, so maybe playing up on that kind of visual texture?  

4)  Her sense of her body, her movements and her clothing did feel a little artificial.  You may be able to work it in more naturally (Something like:  "I threw an envious glance at my brother's shorts and bare back.  Under the hot sun, the reasons for wearing wooly socks, jeans and a jumper seemed less pressing than they had been this morning."  Or better yet, give us at least a hint of those reasons--otherwise, her choice of clothing seems puzzling).

6)  I hope you continue with this--it promises to be a good read!  The above suggestions are for later (unless you're stuck right now, and want to go back and rework it)--they're all minor and easy to fix.  

Good luck with it!

Answer 3

I totally agree:  don't listen to that guy!!  He's not even offering CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (the kind you SHOULD listen to!)  What you have here is a great start.  Keep working on it, kid!  I mean it.  

Answer 4

I read the synopsis. My answer on the first question you asked was (in my humble opinion) helpful. Use some of the advice. I only want you to get better.

Answer 5

Ignore whoever else that was. I love to read, and I've seen that loads of times. I liked it, but remember to watch your grammar. But it is very well thought out. You may want to add a little more to the trek to the villa part, seemed very sudden, but yeah so far so good.  

Answer 6

I dunno, I think you should start over.

In first person it's bad to abuse adjectives. Who describes what they're wearing like that? I've never liked first person since the narrator is always describing everything they do and it comes off odd, as if their conscious of everything or something, you know?