Question:

What do you think of my story am I good enough to get published?

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike

So many times I have tried to look at you in the face.

And figure out what’s your purpose is here.

And to live in the now.

She was once a child. From a small cow town. Where cows lived at. Where cows grazed. And as she turned around she noticed now there are no more cows here.

Even with her tall heels on she was ready like when she was a child, to go dancing.

Ready for that man to pick her up and whisk her around in a crowded room like a hand picking daisies.

Beat that foot on the bottom rim, in time with the music, in time with that hand.

She sung out in many words, they were once hymns to her.

Pulling her red dress across that street, proud in those brand new shoes, as a small child.

“That’s my baby”, her mama said.

As her mother pulled by and told her not to cross the street.

Not to pass go. But ears ringing with her own song with her own breath she didn’t listen.

And crossed, pushing go.

The green car ambled closer to her as the man pulled on his brown pipe, the one indented with fingertips and old tobacco stains, worn like years looking through old and bitter window panes.

It had a taste to it and he liked holding it there, feeling it close to his thoughts. Sloshing it around like an old friend, talking on his porch.

It passed time you know.

Looking through the brown tinted windshield, a hush fell over him; it was quiet like angels were ready to take their bows in some sacred pew.

And he thought he saw a glimpse of red, like some profane march or warning sign dancing in front of him.

“He didn’t see me” she said

Her body hit the rim, in time with the music, in time with the sound of the car, in time with the hushed embrace.

And in that moment she noticed that time held so much distance.

Time was her mama’s arms and in that second it held so much grace, so many thoughts, so many times.

And she thought “God please let me live for my children, my children my innocent beautiful children, I love.”

The car hit her, and time moved on.

The silence fell in with noise, as if time was trying to drink back in what was lost.

Her mom yelled twice, once in 1987 and once in 2004, and those two times merged into one inaudible scream.

And her mama remembered holding onto thoughts her baby’s red dress, fell crumpled in her arms, a 9 year old girl. Laying there in front of black tires, that had no name on them; her child’s name was not written on them!

And she saw for the second time, now 2004, her daughter lying down on blacked out concrete, like some large dark horrendous bed, she was resting quietly, she held the grown woman; her beautiful child and cried.

Again the black tires, she saw, resting by her child’s body. And here the face of a man, who did not know her daughters name.

Him. The one who did not know her daughters laugh, or the smile on her children’s faces when mommy came through the door.

Just ashes she said.

And thought

Perhaps maybe, just maybe I will get another chance

 Tags:

   Report

12 ANSWERS


  1. no offence but whats with all the cows. I like the first second ad third line but thats it sorry


  2. What story? Did you cut up random words from a magazine, toss them into the air and type them out as you picked them up?

  3. wtf?  why do you feel the need to mention cows like 5 times in 2 sentences?  is this like a book on cows?

  4. Hi,

    When ever I write stories I always find that it's more useful for people not just to say,

    "Yeah, that's great." but for them to tell me it's good, but there are some things that I could improve.

    I do think that this story is really good, but I think that maybe you could not be so vague with what you say, for instance, where you are talking about the girl, maybe instead of just talkig about where she lived and what she did, you could talk more about her physical features. This is not something absolutely vital, but could improve your work.

    I definately think thatthis coud get pblished, as it is a very througher and thought-provoking piece of work- very well done!

  5. If this is your best story, then sorry, no you are not.

  6. Have U Got a Dust Bin?

  7. i dont get it :S

    is it an inside joke or somthing..?

    seriously, i do not get u.

  8. Messy!!!

    And yeahh...cows ......not everyone fancies 'em!

    but ur definitely better than me dudette!

    =/

  9. I stopped reading after the first few lines, didnt make any sense to me.  There are far too many grammatical errors and your punctuation stinks.  I suggest you take a course in how to write in English properly

  10. There are just too many things I wanted to pull you up about, but the one that stands out in my mind is this -

    'The green car ambled closer to her as the man pulled on his brown pipe'

    Seriously, what ?! His brown what now ? But that aside nice ryhming of cow with cow, you obviously have a natural capacity for a predisposed high intellect. I'm impressed.

  11. I think it's great. I like the unconventional style and the weird choppy grammar. You have to be careful not to make it too frilly though, or it'll get lost in itself and become a real headache to read. You've put an awful lot of imagery into one small paragraph, there.

    Keep going but calm down a bit or you'll burn out before you get started.

  12. hard to tell when the spelling and grammar are so bad.

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 12 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.
Unanswered Questions