What do you think of my writing?

Question

Just wondering. This a a story about two sisters from the south. Some punctuation may be wrong but Ill correct later.. Thanks

The alarm clock was buzzing in her ear when she reached over to shut it off, it seemed as if she had just shut her eyes a few minutes ago. Joelee Hallman stumbled from her bed to get up and make her husband breakfast. She hated to have to get up at 5am, but for years her husband Bob Hallman had taken care of her. She had never had to work except at home and that was a full time job. For the last 40 years Joelee had gotten up and fixed her husband breakfast and packed him a lunch. She is one of the few women that would actually do that in this day and time. Joelee made her way to the kitchen mumbling something as she poured the water in the coffee pot. She hollered and her husband from the kitchen, “Get up, Bob”. Bob came into the kitchen and Joelee slammed his plate down on the table and got his coffee. After 40 years he was used to it. He knew his wife was a sweet and wonderful person but a 5am, she was like an ole sore tail cat and he didn’t say much to her. Bob finally made his way out the door with a quick peck on the lips from his wife and as he shut the door, she was mumbling, “Thank the Lord he is gone to work”. She made her way back to bed and was soon again fast asleep. At least until her phone rang two hours later.

“Hello sister”, Suzanne screamed in Joelee’s ear. “Hello”. Joelee said. “Did I wake you?”

“Yes, but it okay, I needed to get up.” But she really wanted to strangle her sister for waking her up. Suzanne was 20 years younger than her but the two didn’t act like there was that much of an age difference between them. They had a lot in common but also a lot of opposites. Joelee was born to Sam and Evette Clough while Suzanne didn’t come along till 20 years later after Joelee’s mother had divorced Sam and married Travis Wininger. The two sisters had married brothers, Bob and Tom Hallman. Joelee was more ole fashioned than Suzanne. Joelee had been at home for her family raising children and taking care of a household all these years, while Suzanne had started work early in life and had raised two children. She lived a little on the wild side and was always up for some type of adventure, dragging her older sister right along with her. Her husband Tom loved her very much and accepted her as being so independent and had stood by her through many, many of her silly shenanigans.

“I have found us something to do, this week.” “What now sister?” Joelee asked skeptically. She knew her sister and knew it was probably mischief. “We need to go gambling in Philadelphia.” “What in the world for”, Joelee asked? Knowing right then and there that this was a bad idea. The last trip they had taken had landed the two sisters stranded in a motel with 4 feet of snow outside and unable to get out for a week. Tom and Bob had been furious with them. Tom had been worried sick about his wife because the phone lines had been down and Bob too. Bob had nearly starved to death. Tom and Bob both had vowed to put a stop to there wives mischievous adventures.

Answer 1

I'm going to be sincere: I don't think it's very good. But don't be disappointed, I think you can improve by doing some or all of these things:

1) Read a book about writing. I would recommend Stephen King's "On Writing." It's a good read full of good advice from a master.

2) Read the best writers in the genre you like. Read newspapers and magazines.

3) Write shorter paragraphs.

4) Plot before you write: these paragraphs seem to be a rambling on. If you have thought a bit more you could have focused them better.

5) Avoid cliché phrases like these: "she was like an ole sore tail cat," "She lived a little on the wild side."

Good luck.