What do you think of my writing style?

Question

Here is a small piece from a story I am writing, no matter if you don't understand what is going on- I really just want your opinion on the style of my writing and not the actual plot.

I ask that you please do not take my writing or 'loosely base' something you write off of this. Also the girls name isn't actually going to be 'Briony' in my story, it is just a place-holder for now.

So here it is:

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I watched myself closely in the mirror, studying the slight glow around my slender figure provided courteously by the dim morning sun flooding in from the cheap polyester curtains that decorated my walls. I ran my fingers along the curves of my hips, pinching the fat that resided there, then releasing, and repeating. ‘Fat,’ I thought, ‘what a hideous flaw.’

I slipped my undergarments on hoping they would make my imperfections seems less noticeable- no luck. I traipse down the hall watching my barely visible feet take almost perfectly symmetrical steps, a voice suddenly broke the silence that I was so deeply emerged in, and it took a few seconds to wonder if it was actually me who had spoken or if it was someone else.

“What are you doing up?” I sighed as my temporary moment in mental insanity passed.

“Briony, what are you doing up so early?” He repeated, his voice was sleepy, but sounded strong in comparison to the quiet of 5AM.

“I was just on my way to the kitchen for a glass of water. What may I ask, are you up to at this hour?” I replied smartly.

“I do hope you aren’t making any trouble.” I added, and watched the shadows shift around the features of his face as he changed expressions.

“Briony, you do realize that you aren’t wearing any clothes, and that the kitchen is in the completely opposite direction?” He answered with a smirk on his face,

“So?” I snapped. “Have you never seen a girl in her undergarments before? Oh that’s right, you probably haven’t!” And I hastily pushed past him, continuing down the hall, and letting the dark and the silence engulf me once more.

Answer 1

that is sooo good!!

i really wana know more so can you say what your gona call it if you get it published?

as that other person said, the way you punctuate your speech is a little off.  just do what they said.  only start a new line of speaking when a different person speaks.

Answer 2

thats AWESOME i love it...send me a copy of what u have so far PLS

Answer 3

Amazing! SEND MORE PLEASE!!!!!

Or tell me where to read it on the internet. I want to know whats next *moans* pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... *pouts*

Answer 4

d**n, that's very good!

if the bestseller books' authors are number 1 best  writers then you're number 2 best writer!!

i wonder if you're gonna put this story on any website .... so i can read the whole thing sometime.

Answer 5

It's good but 'undergarments'? When is this set and how old is she?

Answer 6

Just watch out for mechanics. I've noticed a lot of flaws in how you punctuate when dialogue is being used.

example: "I was just on my way to the kitchen for a glass of water. What may I ask, are you up to at this hour?” I replied smartly.

“I do hope you aren’t making any trouble.” I added, and watched the shadows shift around the features of his face as he changed expressions.

change to -->"I was just on my way to the kitchen for a glass of water. What, may I ask, are you up to at this hour?” I replied smartly. “I do hope you aren’t making any trouble,” I added, and watched the shadows shift around the features of his face as he changed expressions.