What do you think of the beginning of my story? Thanks?

Question

The heat of the sun was overwhelming, especially considering my clothes were far from ideal. I looked down at my tight jeans, woolly socks and cotton jumper, then continued to look enviously at my brothers shorts and bare back. Michael caught my glance and smiled at me like only a nine year old could. I smiled lazily back, barely lifting up the corners of my mouth. Then closing my eyes, I imagined I was anywhere but here: On a stupid rowing boat in the middle of the Aegean Sea. To three quarters of the population this would have been paradise; clear blue waters, sandy beaches and a blistering heat. But not for me, I often thought of the worst possible scenarios; a mad dolphin dragging me to the bottom of the sea or maybe something less dramatic, like a coconut falling on my head. With these thoughts still circling in my mind, I felt myself jolt forward. Panicking, I gripped the sides of the rowing boat and looked over the side to see what had nearly tipped us over. And that’s when I saw sand. Pale white fluffy sand. I automatically reached out to touch it, scooping it up in my palm. It was warm from the sun and felt as soft and as smooth as it looked, I savoured the feeling it brought. And then I heard Michael’s high voice ruin my first peaceful moment in days.

“This place is amazing!” Michael shouted as he jumped off the boat onto the beach. I rolled up my jeans and was about to step out the boat too when I heard a noise coming from the trees. Michael must of heard it too because he started walking towards the them

“Hello?” Michael yelled, crouching to try and peer through the mass of green leaves. There was no reply. Michael shrugged his shoulders as he walked towards us, signalling that he hadn’t heard anything either.

“The man showing us to the villa is supposed to be meeting us here in a minute, so that might be him,” Mum suggested. Ah yes, I’d forgotten there would be other people on the island.

“So how many people live here then?” I asked, stepping out the boat carefully.

“The man who owned the villa said there’s only a small village… and that we’d probably be the only tourists,” Mum revealed slowly.

“But we don’t speak a word of Turkish or Greek!” Michael moaned. I had to agree with him, we were on an island with a bunch of people we couldn’t even talk to.

Mum ignored him while her eyes wondered right, “I think that’s him over there!” She pointed over to a small figure coming towards us.

Michael started to jump and wave at the man and sure enough, the man waved back. I could start to see him better now; he was quite large with a balding head and thick black moustache. By the time he was in speaking distance Michael had stopped jumping and was sitting on the sand.

“Hi, we’re the Coley’s,” Mum said, reaching out her hand.

“Ah yes, I’m Mehmet,” He smiled, shaking her hand and doing the same to me and Michael. He had very big strong hands; they reminded me of Dad’s. I felt my heart sink. Even thinking of Dad made me want to cry a thousand tears.

“And your names?” Mehmet asked, a big smile set on his face.

“Oh sorry, I’m Sandra, but you can call me sandy,” Mum said. I hated when she asked people to call her Sandy because no one ever did.

“Sandy,” Mehmet repeated then laughed, “Like the beach, yes?”

Mum laughed at his bad joke, Michael and I cringed.

“And you two?” Mehmet pointed to us.

“I’m Mike, and she’s my older sister Alex,” Michael revealed.

“Alex? You’re a boy?” Mehmet laughed; another bad joke. He was reminding me more and more of dad and I couldn’t keep the grimace of my face.

“Short for Alexandra actually,” I said stiffly.

“I’m cold!” Michael announced quickly, so Mehmet might not notice my rudeness, I made a mental note to thank him later.

“Let’s go then!” Mehmet urged.

By the time we reached the villa it was pitch black, and we had resorted to using our torch to navigate through the dark. After seeing us to the door, Mehmet had left us to unpack.

“I’m going to bed mum,” I said as I made my way up the stairs with my bag.

“Are you feeling alright darling?” I heard mums voice echo from the kitchen.

“I’m just tired!” I replied, trying to sound as sleepy as possible.

“Boring old women!” Michael taunted from the living room. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with him so I carried on upstairs to my bedroom

Answer 1

Wow very well written for a 13 year old.  It's fun to read and it flows smoothly.  I'd love to read the whole thing when you're finished.

Answer 2

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**U are clearly a seasoned writer, with plenty of experience, and u certainly know how to write vividly and clearly.**

Personally, stories of mediocrity don't interest me. I can go to my neighbour's or cousin's place to hear in detail about mainstream lifestyles. Or turn on the TV to be deluged with hegemonic thinking...

I always look for a little zing---> and a lot of unique characters in the fiction I chose to read. But thats just me. Most of the market is  usual people.

Carry on.

Tra la la.

:]

...Holy shite! You are 13? If thats not plagiarized, you will write lotsa great stuff I'm sure!

Answer 3

Well, since you asked nicely......(that's code for 'don't look if you can't handle the truth')

Description is great, but you describe way too much. It's boring. VERY boring. You'll find that most readers don't care what your characters are wearing or what color their hair and eyes are.

You may be thinking, "Wait, my English teacher said the exact opposite." My English teacher did the same thing. The thing is, they're lying to you. Yup, your teacher is trying to s***w you over. A little description goes a long way.

I want you to cut out most (or all) of the adverbs in this piece of writing. As Stephen King put it, "The road to h**l is paved with adverbs."

Jet black hair, dazzling smile, pitch black. These are what writers like to call cliches. If you don't know what cliches are, look the term up. Avoid them. Cliches are pure evil.

Your Enlish teacher also probably told you that you shouldn't use the word 'said' after dialogue. That you should you fun, colorful words (like moaned, questioned, mentioned, etc.) instead. Again, don't believe her. 'Said' is the best word to use after dialogue. It helps a story flow well.

I know I must have just ripped your heart out. Well, get used to it. That's being an author for you. And if it makes you feel better, this is really good for a 13 year old. Keep writing!

Answer 4

     I think it's very well written.  I flows nicely, your dialogue is good and there's the promise of excitement coming.  One or two typos, but of course you'll pick these up on re-write.  Nothing much more to say, except very well done.  I'd like to read the rest of it.

Good luck

Mike B

Answer 5

Haha, well there are a few grammar things, but nothing major. I like your style (especially the "mad dolphin" bit), a lot. Truthfully, so far it's a bit boring, (as most first chapters usually are, so no worries). But, like I said, I like your style, so I would definitely keep reading. It's very entertaining to read.

Good luck, and keep writing!

Answer 6

W.O.W

that was amazing.

i'm guessing your from the UK from the word 'jumper' and from 'mum'.

i really like this.

it has a good story line, and its interesting to read.

I'm surprised your only 13.

your a very good writer.

:D