What do you think of the beginning to this story?

Question

You don't have to read all 3 pages, just the prologue at least.

http://worthyofpublishing.com/book.asp?book_ID=739

I'm 14 and I'm trying to improve my writing so if you have any *constructive* criticism I'd really appreciate it. Also, how do you hook in your reader? I'm not quite sure how to hook readers in.

Answer 1

I hated it.  You know why?  It reminds me of a young Mike Y.

But, um, seriously... it looks promising.  Generally, an adult will be surprised if a 14-year-old knows who the President is, but I think you've gotten a little farther than that.  I only read the prologue because this just isn't the sort of thing I read anymore, so from that:

Basic narrative structure, no gaping holes, doesn't try to do too much.

Dialogue is engaging and attempts to be more than just an infomercial about the plot.

Not having a lot of description is ok.  You obviously read a lot of fantasy, and certain descriptions/relationships between characters and objects come off a little generic.  I don't quite mean cliched... maybe 'boilerplate' is a better term.

"Waking up the next day was like being pushed head first (sic) into a lake" is a fine simile.

We already know the narrator remembers this event since he's relating it, so I would omit it both times.

Oh yeah, and it was proofread.  My God, actually respecting your work. =P

I guess that's all I have.  Oh, and hooks are just indirect ways of opening a story.  To me the idea and in media res and all that stuff is a little gimmicky, but the opening itself is crucial.  A book I read** recommends beginning short stories as close to the climax as possible... for novels, maybe as close to the first crisis?  You could also look up famous first lines... some first lines of novels are easily among the best sentences ever written.

Answer 2

There are many ways that you could hook your reader. Many of which can be used most effectively For example, one way is to delve right into the action! Do not hesitate to delve right into an action scene from the start of your book. I did what is called a "flashback" scene where I my book started out with action to hook the reader. The scene was a past event that occured in my characters life that he was reminiscing about. Be very descriptive! Use detailed sentences! Your beginning is good but it can be better!

Check out my self-published  book here:

www.lulu.com/content/3680344

Tell me what you think of it!

email: [e-mail]

Answer 3

Of all the kids who come on answers with their writing talking about how they're trying to get published, the only one I've seen whose shown any level of competence that warrants such ********* is you. Congratulations. I have a feeling you'll be a kick[butt-sry ur 14] bonafide author in the future. I can't read all of it as I can barely keep my eyes open but I'll read it tomorrow for sure (unless the internet gets turned off-have yet to pay that bill, haha) but the little I've read has FAR exceeded my expectations. I feel glad that I don't feel the need to write 3 pages of corrections and suggestions. I look forward to reading it when I have time. But I doubt there's much I can help you improve on.

Answer 4

I think that you have done quite well with what you have so far. ( I only read the prologue)  I would say that you have done a good job of making a little mystery and still giving enough information that a reader is not complelty confused, you definatly hooked me.

The only thing I might add would be a description of the inside of the cabin .... just so a reader gets a little better sense of the surrounding.