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What do you think of the first chapter of the book I am writing?

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Chapter 1

Volkswagen

“So, today we will be reviewing for your midterm, which is next week.” said an old woman standing in front of the chalkboard.

A reddish brown head was laying on the desk in the back row of the classroom. Her tsunami waves poured over the side of the shiny wooden desk. Every time the eyelids came close to each other they would open with a shock of icy grey-blue. The almond shaped eyes were famed by thick black eye liner. This made the blue even brighter, if it was possible. The thick lashes were now touching her rosy cheeks, the blue eyes were gone replaced with black lined lids.

It was a pitch black night only lit from the various street lights. These lights were mere flashes because of the speed the old Volkswagen van was going. In the back window was a red-headed young child. She was pounding hard on the window with tears trailing down her rosy cheeks. Her screams were not heard from behind the car window. The man driving intently screamed for her silence.

“Shut up!” he screamed so loudly that it drowned out the young girl’s.

She continued to scream and hit the window. However, no one would hear or notice her considering it was well past midnight. Her screams were thick with tears and her blue eyes were deeply blood-shot and burned but, she continued to cry and pound.

Behind the blue van was a shiny red SUV driven by a brunette dressed in a formal blue dress. She was chatting away on a cell phone. There was a black sign hanging in front of her car. In neon orange lights it was asking for help looking a blue Volkswagen, license plate number 7TY4A78, young girl. Her head tilted forward to read the sign as it passed above her. After hanging up, she signaled to change to the line to the left of the van.

She hummed quietly to one of her favorite songs that had just come on the radio. The road was empty with the exception of a few cars. As she hummed her dark curls bounced slowly, they were now coming undone as a result of all the dancing that happen at her senior prom. Her head turned to check to the right of her car then, the curls whipped around as she did a double take. The old blue Volkswagen was at her side and a young girl was pounding on the small side window.

It took her mere seconds to grab her cell phone and dial 911. However her brain was trembling with second thoughts.

“Hello, what is your emergency?” said a tired voice though the receiver.

“Yes, hi…ummm, I am driving on the 405 freeway near the Cherry Ave. Exit. I am driving along the blue Volkswagen van that was on the Amber Alert.” she said breathlessly.

“O…Okay, well can you see the license plate number?” the voice said however, it was very alert.

“K…umm, hold on!” she said quickly.

She reluctantly slowed down, not wanting to lose sight of the crying girl. The plate in the back came into view with the exact numbers and letters as had been on the neon orange lights. She sped up to get the girl into her view.

“Yes, Yes, it is the same number!” she said now feeling frustrated.

“Okay, the police will be there soon. Please keep the car in view.” the woman’s voice pleaded.

“Yes!” she said and hung up.

Looking at the young girl again she tried to signal to calm down. The girl’s eyes were puffy and her red cheeks were shining in the car light. She slowed her pounding with anxious face. The girl in the SUV bit her lip and shook impatiently.

In a matter of 2 minutes however, it seemed much longer, there were flashing blue and red lights behind the two cars. The siren filled her ears loudly. The brunette let out a deep breath and shot a look at the blue van. It had disappeared from her view until; she looked in front of her in the next lane. The car was speeding away from the SUV and police cars. Without needing to think about it she swerved the car across 2 lanes, placing herself between the old car and a few feet from the exit.

She saw a mid-aged man. His face was ugly and twisted with anger as he stared at the teenager. The man turned the steeling wheel so hard that it was a surprised that didn’t spin off. The young woman’s eyes shut as her car smashed into the divider separating the exit and freeway lanes. Both cars stopped suddenly and began to smoke.

The teenager’s curls lied on the passenger’s seat; their brown color was damaged with thick reddish blood. Her face was buried in the corner of the seat, anything part that was in view was cover in blood, along with her long blue dress. Her whole body was scrunched together, her legs were smashed together. They were stuck under the steeling wheel.

The car, which could hardily be called that in its current stage, was no longer square but, more of a thin triangle shape. Each side was pinned, one against the old Volkswagen, the other against the divider. The front of the car was pointed with no windshield.

In the Volkswagen, the old man was lying against the steeling wheel.

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4 ANSWERS


  1. I really like the detail!  :)

    great story,

    and I would love to hear more!  


  2. I started to read but then i realised its to long

    SORRY!

  3. it's good but a bit unrealistic make the teen girl like see like the girl all bloody and make it in the really early morning so it would be more light

  4. "A reddish brown head was laying on the desk in the back row of the classroom. Her tsunami waves poured over the side of the shiny wooden desk."

    Lolwut? Oh ****, tsunami! run! Totally not the way to describe hair.

    "The teenager’s curls lied on the passenger’s seat; their brown color was damaged with thick reddish blood."

    '...lied on the passenger's seat' is off to me. Why is it like that?

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