What do you think of the high standards Muslim parents set when trying to marry their daughters?

Question

When trying to find someone to marry their daughter?

Sooooooooo....I was looking at these ads for women wanting to be married. And everyone that I looked at said : must be doctor or lawyer major/us born/ same culture............I mean if this is the case, I'm not even going to bother trying to marry a Muslim girl. I'll just search for a good girl who doesn't have a parent to make sure she gets all of that stuff. It'll be nice and easy between me and her...I'll be : sincere/gentle/us born...simple as that

Answer 1

Parents in our times have made marriage a very difficult affair upon their children. And they have not considered the Sunnah with regards to seeking spouses.

Many will restrict marriages to their own countries or even villages and outright refuse anyone from outside their race. Whilst Allaah says:

“Indeed the Believers are but brothers.” [Sooratul-Hujuraat 49:10]

They prove otherwise.

Allaah says:

“O mankind! We have created you from a male and female, and have made you into nations and tribes; that you may know one another, Indeed the most noblest of you with Allaah is the one who has the most taqwaa (piety, fear, and obedience of Allaah).” [Sooratul-Hujuraat 49:13]

They've chosen criteria outside of the Sunnah

The Prophet (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said: “If there comes to you a person whose Religion and character are pleasing to you, then marry him (i.e. give the girl in marriage to him). If you do not do this, there will be fitnah (trial and discord) and great fasaad (corruption) upon the earth.” This was related by at-Tirmidhee and others, with a hasan isnaad (good chain of narration). Hasan: Related by at-Tirmidhee (no. 1085), from Aboo Haatim al-Muzanee and Aboo Hurayrah (radiyallaahu ’anhumaa). It was authenticated by al-Albaanee in Irwaa‘ul-Ghaleel (no. 1868)

So the Muslims should hasten to fulfill this command of Allaah and of His Messenger (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) when he said: “O youths! Whosoever amongst you has the ability to marry, then let him do so; for it lowers the gaze and restrains the private parts. But whosoever does not have the ability then let him take to fasting; for indeed it is a shield for him.” Its authenticity has been agreed upon. Related by al-Bukhaaree (4/106) and Muslim (no. 1400), from Ibn Mas‘ood (radiyallaahu ’anhu)

Sa'eed Ibn Musayb had a daughter named Faatimah whom the khalifah asked to marry his son, however he refused to do so instead marrying her to one of his students. When the daughter of Imaam Maalik got married, her husband wanted to attend the class of his shaykh, so she asked him "Where are you going?" He replied, "To your father's class." She told him, "Have a seat, because the knowledge of my father is memorized in my chest. I will teach it to you."



Abu Layth As-Samarqandee (D. 539 Hijri) who wrote the book 'Muqdimmaat fil-Fiqh: Tuhfatul-Fuqahaa' also had a daughter named Faatimah whom likewise the khalifah of the Muslims at that time asked for her hand in marriage for his son but he refused. He had a student named Al-Kaasaanee or Al-Kaashaanee who wrote the book 'Bidaa'i As-Sanaa'i' and he was poor but very knowledgeable. He was so highly impressed by his teachers' book (Tuhfatul-Fuqahaa) that he wrote and explanation for it called 'Bidaa'i As-Sanaa'i'. Thus he gave the explanation to his teacher, and similarly he was so highly impressed by his students' book that he said, "I marry my daughter to you." This explanation was her mahr. So based on this incident, the saying became very popular during that time

Answer 2

It's unislamic, I specifically read a hadith where the prophet (SAW) showed one of his friends two men and said 'would you like him for a son in law?'  He was rich.  The friend said 'Oh, yeah.'  Then a poor guy walked by, 'and him'  , 'oh never'

And of course the prophet said that  the second had more merit than the first.

Honestly, don't waste your time with these families.  I have met some s****. muslim Americans.  Usually palestinian.  Try looking in your community.  Algerians and Moroccans are much nicer...you'd have a btter marriage with a woman like that.  They are great people.

Answer 3

thats not how it is with everyone.. i guess you just have to look around the open minded people.. i set my own standards

Answer 4

Parents who love their children will always think of the best for their loved ones and marriage is one of the things they have to be careful about as it means a lot to them and it should be taken as a blessing and advices of the elders.

The Westerners may not give a second thought about it. For them (Westerners) they want their off springs fly out of their nest and fend for themselves and find a mate of their choice and that is the end of it.  In Islamic society this does not happen and the parents or the elders decides what is the best for the children.

ON the otherhand,  you are at liberty to choose the one you think is right and best for you and nobody stops you,  once you are 18 you are are given the right by the law of the land.

For example:   Haven't you noticed the millions of Americans youngsters  who do not know whereabout of their parents when they want to remember them on the so called "mothers day" and "fathers day".  Some do not remember how many boy/girl  friends they had after they divorced their husbands/wives.  

This would not have happened if they took the right decision at the time of selecting their life partner.  

It is advisable to stick to your own flock instead of trying to mingle with the new and alien group.   This never worked and might not work with you too.   Be patient and try to find your life partner in your own community.  It is natural.

PS Haven't you heard "Birds of same feathers flock together".

Good luck.

Answer 5

listen besides being a Muslim I must say that I have very expectations in life. I mean it is the girl's life so why not choose what she likes. And yh if the mother wants her daughter to marry a doctor I don't see the problem and from the same culture. As an ambitious Muslim girl I don't mind marrying a non US born as I was born there but he has to be from the same country as me.But I agree with you that he has to be sincere and gentle first but other things count too.

P.S Why would you want to find someone to marry your daughter? Why not let her choose???

Answer 6

I "dislike" parents who are that picky about potential spouses for their daughters, esp. the ones who say the guy's gotta be from the same caste. ALHAMDULILLAH my parents ain't like that, I'm never marrying anyone from my caste, they're idiots, even me mam agrees. I'll marry someone from my culture but not the same caste. And these type of parents that you get who want doctors/lawyers, etc you find them spending ages trying to find the "perfect" spouse for their daughters, no wonder they gotta end up placing ads no offense to anyone lol... 'cos in a lot of the cases they're more after the financial side to the guy than the religious side. And I agree with what Nimmy has said, the bit about the girl.

Answer 7

when i grow up i would never let my parents pick my husband....i would rather die  

Answer 8

First of all, I'd like to say Alhamdulile that parents are setting high standards for their daughters, as it was only 1300 years ago that parents were burying their baby daughters alive, as a daughter was seen as a burden upon a family - how times change Alhamdulile!  However, like you, I have noticed some of the superficial standards that parents are setting e.g. rich, doctor etc.

Its understandable why parents might want their daughter to marry someone with their own culture, because logically it would be much easier to create a close bonded family with another that shares the same culture and views etc.  But it really upsets me when families do not allow their daughter to marry someone just because they are not from the same culture.  Did the prophet (s.a.w) ever do this? Definitely not!

However I can't deny that every parent wants the best for their children, and in a dream world I would love my daughter to marry a handsome doctor or lawyer, where she would never have to worry about being provided for (wouldn't every parent?).  But this will never be a reason why I would want my daughter to marry someone.  What I value is that the person must possess qualities that I find important

- he must be Muslim

- have a humble nature

- he must have taqwa

- he must show the ability to guide her along the right path within their marriage

- he must be able to make her happy and honour her as her husband.  

All other financial details are irrelevant, as it is Allah (swt) that is the Provider.  

Salam.  

  

Answer 9

parents putting conditions or not. I don't think any body educated going to marry uneducated boy/girl!

each one will look for his/her partner on some basics.

Answer 10

Of course everybody can't get doctors and lawyers etc. So, they will compromise.

Answer 11

this is sooooo unislamic..

the prophet(pbuh) was clear:

'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request.

If you do not do so, there will be temptation on earth and extensive corruption."

he didn't say education/looks/wealth..etc...of course these things are taken in consideration,but not to be strict about it.

but brother,don't generalize,some parents are actually good muslims following the islam correctly,who will be satisfied with a good muslim for their daughter....inshAllah u'll find her.

Answer 12

marriage ads don't represent the muslims.

marriage ads only represent those people who want to marry through ads. and i think they can be:

- newly converted muslims who still dont know enough about muslim families or dont meet enough muslims. i think this is very okay.

- muslim girls who wants to move to another country for better standards of livings.

- muslim people who cannot find a match from local culture, so they go for online ads.

and, recently i heard about a special needs muslim community ads, i think this is great way of marriage, otherwise, these people might never find a way of getting marriage.

back to marriage, via online or real interactions:

putting some conditions might be very okay in opinion. i always wanted to marry a girl from my same culture and even same region in my country. i know i find many more common things together. i still deeply respect every other culture.

however, if it happens and i am somehow got attached emotionally to a girl from another culture i can skip that condition.

i think it is bad when some girls put the materialistic conditions: he got to have big house, luxury car, always in 5 stars hotel ..etc

or must be a doctor, as kind of showing off, rather than thinking of having stable family and life conditions.

Answer 13

I know what you are talking about bro, but I have noticed this with certain cultures only so not every Muslim family is like that.  I myself have two daughters and though it is still early to be thinking about this for them, it has crossed my mind.  I am a teacher by profession and my husband is a physician.  I am an American and he is Palestinian.  As we are in a cross cultural marriage, of course culture is not an issue for us.  Only Allah swt knows our destiny, but my preference actually is for them to marry a brother who was also raised in the US, irregardless of the nationality.  As for profession, I would not require him to be a Dr or lawyer and honestly since they barely see their father I highly doubt they would want a Dr as a husband.  That being said, they both have career goals in mind already so I am sure they would want someone also who is career driven.  However I would never put the the nationality or career as two absolutes with no wiggle room.  When I married my husband we were both in school and I worked in the school library and he worked at 7-11.  We had humble beginnings but a plan.  

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Answer 14

Thatz all personal criteria..If i wanna marry a doctor,whatz wrong with it..

You are talking just men's side..

What do you say baout men who turn down girls simply bcoz ..

her education is overqualification for you,no matter how illeterate you are...

she is not very fair,no matter how black and ugly you are..

she is not very slim,no matter how obese you are..

She is not having long nice hair,no matter how bald you are...

she is arrogant,no matter how rude you are..

and list goes on..

Both men and women need to compromise..and choose partners accordinlgy..

BEtween,when you have a daughter,trust me,you'll also set these so-called high standards..

Answer 15

Brother

I think the indos and packis only look for these criterias  

Answer 16

Yeah my parents aren't like that but they are pushing me to marry someone from our country, but i really don't want that because of personal reasons.

Some women turn down great potential husbands that is everything they are looking for just because he isn't a lawyer or whatever. Its sad.

Inshaallah you will find your other half and it will be worth the wait when you find her :)

Answer 17

Actually, parents love their children a lot and they always want the best for them.Its natural.Its not only with the Muslims, its almost with all the parents in the world.When you will be father of child, you will understand that.

But, yes as far as teachings of Islam is concerned, Muslim parents should follow what Prophet (PBUH) did, they should go for the character of the person.But still they should sure that a person is responsible enough to carry out the responsibilities related to married life or not.

Don't feel bad for this, a person's weak points are his children and his wealth and he usually gets mean in their case.