What do you think of the oppening of my poem?

Question

The knight entered the vast plain, wearing a smile

Riding a stout winged creature, nowhere to be found

And as he dismounted to rest for a while

The beast got impatient and clawed at the ground

Its large crooked beak was that of an eagle’s

Its mane like a lion’s, but snowy white

Its screech was louder than a dozen seagulls

With those sharp eyes, shining a scarlet bright

The sun was ablaze, the shades were all sacred

The fruits hanging from the boughs were all gleaming

And the knight being so tired and well fed

Went to a charmed sleep and started dreaming

For that was the curse laid on the fruits

The deed of the Govonian king

His wizards had cursed the trees to their roots

Should they deep and magical sleeps bring...

Answer 1

Keep writing.

Answer 2

its great

Answer 3

Awesome start!!! :) It is very interesting! You are a great poem writer (and I am not just being nice). Can you post the rest? I want to know what happens. lol

Answer 4

I already read the revised version of that first section and answered to that. Now I will reply to the part I haven't read yet.

Maybe you could write this:

'The sun was ablaze, the shades sacred,

the dangling fruit gleaming on dipped boughs,

The tired, well-fed knight

drifted into a charmed, dream-filled sleep,

for the tantalizing fruits bore a curse (maybe you want to use a different word, since you use 'cursed' again too soon... like maybe 'hex' or 'afflictment' or 'enchantment'.)

the deed of the Govonian king.

His wizards had cursed the trees to their very roots

should they deep and enchanted sleeps cause...'

It's wonderful though. I love your writing!

Answer 5

Quite an adventure, keeps one interested.

"cursed the trees to their roots"  strong line.

Answer 6

its really good, i like the beginning, try changing the smile part as a poem does tell a story and the smile doesn't really seem to play a role in it. I might be wrong but just take it into consideration.  Other then that love it.

Answer 7

The only drawback I see to this is the meter(rhythm).  I have added a link to a reference I use a lot and is quite good.

The words I like, the imagery is good, it just needs to be easier to read.

http://www.uncg.edu/~htkirbys/meters.htm

I use this as a reference, you may want to check it out.

Answer 8

Is that a hippogriff he is riding? Good imagery - felt like the beast was beside me ♥