What do you think of the stanza below?

Question

Rain, O great glassy dome of cloud

Wash the sky; cleanse its pain and grief

And though you resemble crying eyes

Your soft swish brings me a relief

As it sprinkles on every branch and leaf

Answer 1

The concept is okay, but I'd change the line order...try this:

Oh, great glassy dome of cloud

Wash the sky; cleanse its pain and grief

And as sprinkles fall to each branch and leaf

From your great grey crying eyes

Your soft swish brings me relief

That sounds like the wind that sighs

When you add a non-rhyming first line, you change the formula and the single rhyme at the end seems weak..but by creating a secondary rhyme at the end it gives it a sense of closure.

This was just an example, but I hope it got you thinking