What do you think of the start for a new story? FEEEDBACK PLEASE!?

Question

There I was bargaining with death, and I almost can hear him laughing now.

Monday: Woke up and stared at my fat *** for about five minutes, pondered being anorexic, then put on my favorite song, and forgot all about it.

Thought about humor in romance, then got angry at a romantic comedy, because real romance isn’t funny.

Killed some brain cells, ate some chips, then slept for hours.

Tuesday: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Wednesday : Worked. Saw death for the first time. Conversed, he flirted, I shrugged it off.

Thursday: Oh, so intrigued by death, made another trip to the gas station.

Friday: Worked. First date with death. 9:00 pm.

Saturday: Walk of shame…thanks to catty coworkers.

Sunday: Prayed,

that the gas company wouldn’t turn my heat off.

So I had woken up and threw on some makeup, barely, and walked out the door. Without my keys. I eventually found them and could drive. Oh, joy! You’re out of gas! And here is this little bell to remind me every second! Why how darling!

At a red light, the most gorgeous man pulled up next to me, in a showy red convertible. You know the kind that says “ I have a HUGE ego, and I’m not kidding.” Well he also pulled up next to me at the pump, and tried to talk to me, I just shrugged it off and kept ignoring him. Then he came over and touched my arm with the coldest hand I’ve ever felt. I couldn’t help but shiver then turn to smack him. But as soon I had recovered form my chills and had begun my turn towards him, he grabbed my hand.

Answer 1

it's very interesting, makes you want to read more, carry on

Answer 2

don't hold us in suspense,keep writing that is a great start.

Answer 3

it sounds good. lol but its to choppy like it needs more details about the days. i dont really get it cuz im not the old. im onlly a kid. lol but it sounds like a good book, with a little more details i would love to read it =)

good luck

Answer 4

I'm very interested.  Keep going!

Answer 5

Sounds intriguing, definitely makes you want to read more.  But its a little confusing, are the last few paragraphs supposed to be more detail about the top "schedule"?

Answer 6

Your story beginning is too confusing.  You want the story to start with an idea that is going somewhere.  What does this "death" represent?  Who is this guy at the gas station?  Are they the same idea?  Your description of his car is too inconsistent with the rest of your lead in.  Keep it simple.  Watch your idioms and keep track of where your thoughts are going.  Do you have an outline for this story?  You need one.  

You start with an idea.  You develop it with your outline, then you fill in the meat of the story keeping the outline in sight.  Tie your factors together at the end.  Keep it as short as you can at first, then  let the words flow if they're gonna flow.   Don't be afraid to throw this beginning away and start again.  Keep your general idea, of meeting this "death."  

The best writers spend a lot of time writing "stuff" that no one ever reads...