What do you think of these 2 poems?

Question

I’m so excited to see you tomorrow

I have been waiting 5 years for this day

I want to see how much you’ve changed

Words cant even explain how much I missed you

You’re the best cousin ever and hopefully you think that too

I cant wait to talk about everything for hours

And see if we still have our super powers

Maybe we can sell beer for a party

Or listen to my favorite song “Shawty”

We are going to have so much fun

I just hope that the sun doesn’t go down.

You think you can give me money

And have me forget what you did

You think you can just say “I love you honey”

And have me forget that I hated being a kid

I was sad that you left,

But also relieved

Now we are talking again

After 2 years of silence

I want to come and see you

So we can talk about everything

I don’t think mom will happy

She is still mad at you

I want to make you both happy

But I just don’t know what to do

Im confused and scared

And don’t want to tell you my thoughts

I don’t think I will ever fully trust you again

But we can work on it

I cant end this poem by saying I love you

Because I don’t want to say something I don’t mean…

Answer 1

I think it was a tactical mistake to present these two poems together. They are so different, it was a shock difficult to absorb. The first poem is bursting with enthusiasm. I think it was brilliant to have just one punctuation mark - the period at the end - because this should be read as a single sentence at top speed without pausing to take a breath. Here are some suggestions:  Change "hopefully" to "I hope." I give you permission to add the apostrophe to "cant," that way the poem won't tip over. [Attention- This is a joke. If you don't get it look up the word "cant" (without the apostrophe)]. One thing that I love about this (and most everything else that I've read from you) is that , although there is great structure of rhyme, it has the ring of being conversational. In other words, the awareness of structure disappears because the style and tone ring so true. That is not an easy thing to do, yet you seem to do it effortlessly, even unconsciously. If you had not told me your age, I would have thought that this was written by an adult trying very well to capture the tone of a young teenager.

Here are some suggestions for the second poem, some are less important than others:

Line 2- Change "and" to "then." [Try these things . They may seem better, or you might like what you wrote better. It's your poem and your the boss.]

Line 8 - There is a literary convention in Standard English  that numbers from one to one hundred should be spelled out. However, if you do not do this, you won't go to jail.

Line 9 - Leave out "and."

Line 12 - I think you left out the "b" in between "will" and "happy."

Line 14 - You repeat the word "happy" from L12. I know that's an easy way to get the words to rhyme, but it can be boring. We all are snoring instead of soaring. Are you storing this all away?

Line 16 - Another apostrophe omitted. I think Walmart's is having a sale on apostrophes, or maybe it's commas.

Line 20 - Same thing.

Line 21 - I really like the three dots, telling us that this is not the end.

On a personal note, I realize the pain that you have had. I like that you have not given up hope that things will be better. I think that you are starting to understand that you don't have to be passive and helpless. You are growing up now and there is more and more that you can do to make your life better. I like your integrity. You can still love your father, but you won't let him slide by. I don't know what the circumstances are. I do know that your parents are imperfect, because we are all imperfect. You should ask yourself, "Are they doing the best they can?" Keep on writing. You're good and this is good for you.

Answer 2

They are veryy good i enjoyed them allot,, they are very meaningfull poems 2 you i thinks, and that's what makes it more interesting to read it.. you have good skills ... for writing.. keep up okay sweety bye bye