What do you think of these two poems?

Question

The first one is a haiku:

Drowning

The rain falls slowly

Washing away silver tears

Drowning my sorrows

And then this is the one I wrote after I decided to lengthen the haiku:

Drowning

The rain falls slowly

Washing away silver tears

Drowning my sorrows

Muffling my fears

Shielding tomorrows

The rain falls slowly

Slowly,

My cold sobs are suffocated

Does the haiku give you a mental image? Is it even in the right format for a poem because I'm not sure--I don't write poetry often.

Answer 1

OMG! i luv them. they are perfect and wonderful

Answer 2

they are really cool. i just learned about these type of poems in class (: isn't that cool?

Answer 3

Well, the top part is a haiku, but the second one isn't a haiku.

Personally, I like the first one a lot better because it portrays the mental image just perfectly...but I would suggest changing silver tears to something more original. I'm sure silver tears has been used plenty of times before.

Answer 4

their perfect

Answer 5

they're awesome! keep on wrighting! youv'e got a talent. ^_^