What do you think of this? And would you read the book based on this information?

Question

Hey, this is something I wrote (IT IS NOT homework or anything, I was just wondering what people thought of it) tell me what you think:

For sixteen-year-old Abby Johnson it started with a simple stolen ring – something that truly meant nothing. But it turns into something that could easily cost her, her life. Secrets were exposed. Lies were told. Hearts were broken. Past were relived. Friends were betrayed. Futures were altered. Trust was snapped.

And someone dies.

Can you also tell me what to change, it is what I'd put on the back of my book. Is it overly dramatic? Is it to small? If so, how much longer should it be? I'm only thirteen and was wondering what people thought of my work (like i said a minute ago...)! Note: This really isn't homework, school hasn't even started yet :) Is "Trust was snapped" worded weird? I think it was, but I don't know how to change it, any ideas? Ha, this is a longer question then I thought it'd be, thanks!

Answer 1

I would change the word "something" in this sentance to different word, because that word was just used, and it sounds repetetive -

"But it turns into something that could easily cost her, her life."

Maybe try "But the consequences could cost her. Her life."

or "But the outcome could cost her. Her life."

And I would pick another word beside "snapped". It just doesn't flow.

Hope I helped a bit :)

Answer 2

Hey, it sounds pretty good to me, just a few little mistakes. You need some punctuation, like " a simple stolen ring" should be " a simple, stolen ring". Also "past were relived" doesn't really make sense. It should be "pasts" or "the past". Trust was snapped does sound a little weird, try searching snapped in an online thesaurus, like thesaurus.reference.com.  One last thing, all of your other dramatic statements are in past tense ("were exposed, were betrayed, were broken etc") but then in that last "and someone dies", you change your tense. It should be "someone died".

Other than that, its really eye-catching and draws the reader in! Good luck, hope I helped! Especially for someone your age!

Answer 3

Sounds great.  I would make a few grammatical adjustments:  

For sixteen-year-old Abby Johnson (added comma), it started with a simple stolen ring – something that truly meant nothing. But it turns (turned - since you use past tense later on) into something that could easily cost her (removed comma) her life. Secrets were exposed. Lies were told. Hearts were broken. Past (pasts since you use "were") were relived. Friends were betrayed. Futures were altered. Trust was snapped. And someone dies (died).

Trust was snapped - I think it's ok.  

I think it might also benefit from a little something extra. You've built a sense of suspense into it that is catchy, but it's still slightly vague.  

By the way, I think this is awesome at your age! :)  Way to go and keep on writing :)