What do you think of this POEM? And which way should it start off?

Question

Haha, I wrote it in like 5 seconds! The words just started popping in my mind! It doesn't mean much and it's probably not that good but here goes...

The Doll 8/19/08

Pretty, little charlatan, give me a grin

Your features are flawless, you're perfectly thin

But your insides are corrupted; everything is still

And you are forced to prance along and dance against your will

You're nothing but a slave to her; a puppet bound by strings

But when she's anxious or afraid to you, my dear, she clings

Because your plastic smile will always give her solace; even if in darkness she falls

You will always be her precious one. Her comforter. Her doll

Now here's the ALTERNATE BEGINNING. Which do you prefer?

Pretty, little charlatan, give her your best grin.

The tears are spilling over once again.

Though your insides are corrupted; everything is still

And you are forced to prance along and dance against your will

Thanks for reading! Please do not use without permission or nothing like that. Copyright © The Last Harlequin

Answer 1

The first beginning I think is better.

Suggestion? Insead of "give me a grin" perhaps "give her a grin" ?

Btw, AWESOME poem!!!!!!!!!!! Great job :)

Answer 2

I prefer the first one, this left me speechless though, just WOW!!!!  You are amazing and your words are very touching.

Answer 3

Don't call it "The Doll"; make them guess.

          ----------------------------------------...

Pretty, little charlatan, give your best grin.

The tears are filling those innocent eyes again.

She comes for solace, one day she'll find out.

Your smile's made of plastic and a heart you're without.

Pretty, little charlatan, give your best grin

Your features are flawless, you're perfectly thin

Your insides corrupted; but everything is still

Forced to prance along and dance with no will

You're nothing but a slave to her; bound by strings

But when she's anxious or scared to you she clings

Your plastic smile will always give her solace

Even if in darkness her life falls

You will always be her precious one. Her comforter. Her doll

Pretty, little charlatan, give your best grin.

The tears are spilling over once again.

Your insides corrupted; but everything is still

Forced to prance along and dance with no will

You will always be her precious one. Her comforter. Her doll

     ----------------------------------------

I am a crappy poet, just trying to give you ideas, use discard or modify any suggest I have offered. Good Luck.

Answer 4

hard to believe you wrote it in 5 seconds but its really good i personally like the normal beginning i think it flowed a lot better than the alternate one and you should check out my poem and tell me what you think

Answer 5

I like the first version better, it flows. But the second part the last two sentences. " Because......her doll." that seems a little out of place, maybe it's just me though, I might not be right about that.  

Answer 6

well, sounds pretty good to me, I also write poetry,and had three poems published, sounds to me like you are young and have some inner thoughts that go very deep, thats good when you write poetry, keep it up, stick with the first beginning you have listed, it sounds good just like that.

Answer 7

holy frick thats good!!!  i like the first and the last one!!     you should keep writing!

Answer 8

This is amazinggg!!! i def. think the 2nd or last one is good.

I love this poem.

Answer 9

all i can say is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...