Question:

What do you think of this as revised ?

by  |  earlier

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I have spent a bit of time revising this verse. I doubt it has seen the final revision, though I am considerably more comfortable with it now.

Opinions, suggestions, knee jerk reactions are all welcome,

Hearing the summer rain this morning,

tapping upon the window.

Fingers tracing a stream,

from my safe, sheltered side of the pane.

Just last week, you were here with me,

quietly snuggling, warm, easily smiling.

Bodies dancing, exploring, melding,

becoming one, I lost my soul within yours.

Your taste lingers still, touches ghostly upon skin,

slow, calm, breathe at my ear.

Life intruded, roaring in with nary a warning,

unexpected; now I am left aching, wondering.

Thoughts of your hugs, whispers, caresses,

wanting more, needing more, time, just time.

It’s true, you have an incredible hold on me,

no complaints, in fact I’m delighted you do.

Treasured kisses, soft, gentle, passionate,

yearning, longing, sensual, revealing.

Snuggles so tight, your smile genuine,

sparkles of delight danced in hazel eyes.

These dreams, tossing me about, stirring, haunting,

refusing to remain under lock and key.

I truly despise hollowness, loathe self-pity,

being torn, shredded, wondering if I will yet implode.

I’d never gotten enough of you, there would not,

could not, be adequate days or years.

Emotions raw, still cascading, roiling, boiling,

the sheer wonderment of you loving me too.

My words to you, shouted from roof tops,

wailing, muttered in sleep, no longer heard.

Thoughts seeking, craving, needing an outlet,

smiles freely given, tenderness abounds always.

Feelings longing for release, desires spoken, needs voiced,

emptiness of my soul, explained in short verse.

This, my only outlet, given to the universe,

where, I pray, you now reside in more peaceful days ?

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2 ANSWERS


  1. Peaceful, sincere, compassionate... love  strongest at parting and still continues... in some ways more. well written... and the only real kind of love.


  2. That . . . is really amazing. I could really feel the emotion, and . . . you just left me speechless! It's really great, one of my favorite now.

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