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What do you think of this chapter I wrote (only part) Good detail? Good enough for a book (after editing) ?

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My brain a confused mess, I took a few steps, ignoring the fighting all around me. Mercifully, no other soldiers attacked me. I took a deep breath, the smell of vomit, blood, dirt and smoke overflowing all my senses, making me wanted to throw up. I stumbled again and nearly fell. Exhaust gnawed at every part of my body- I felt like I had been walking barefoot and naked through a scorching desert of coal. My arms were heavy from holding my sword, and my legs were sore and swollen. My throat was dry and I desperately needed water. Every step I took drained more and more of my energy and eventually I fell to my knees, exhausted. Just a little rest, I told myself. Remembering what Tangar had told me, I listened to the pound of my heart, taking whatever calm I could from its rhythmic beat. But upon hearing the rumble of thunder I look up at the sky instinctively. Dark clouds gathered overhead and mercifully it had begun to lightly rain. I opened my mouth to the sky, taking in as much water as I could. But eventually the rain stopped and I was forced to turn back to the fighting. It was surprise in itself that I had not been killed yet. It seemed that luck was on my side. All around me men were fighting men, screams and the ring of swords clashing together echoing in my ears. A lake of blood covered the ground and corpses had begun to pile up and litter the battleground. Crops lay trampled on the ground, amidst blood, bones and flesh. And it was hard to believe that this had once been a peaceful place for growing food. Looking around I could almost count more swords than there were stars. I knew that I had to find a weapon- Without one I had no chance of coming out of this battle alive. Suddenly I remembered Fate- my faithful sword, the only inheritance I had from my dead father. It was the only item I had of possession and I was determined not lose it. Thinking of the sword seemed to plunge me into a slumber. My senses slowed, and my eyes began to water. My breathing ragged and suddenly nothing but the sword filled my thoughts. The sun had begun to fade behind the distant mountains. Darkness would soon set it.

A body fell near me, blood gushing from a deep wound in the man’s side. I ignored him and continued my search, the task of finding Fate my only priority. It was like all that mattered was finding the sword- It whispered to me, calling me on. I had to find it- I would die trying. My own survival seemed irrelevant. Another body fell near me and I heard a sudden high-pitch scream. I twirled around as the scream pierced through my confusion and took me back to the real word. Reality hit me like a brick and I suddenly realized that any second now I could (or more likely, could) be killed. I jumped to the ground and picked up a silver short-sword. I wiped the blood off it on the ground and turned around just as a man slammed into me. Falling to the ground I hacked at the man with all my remaining might. My blade stuck in the man’s shoulder and he screeched in pain. Pushing him away I looked for a way out of all the confusion. And that’s when I saw it- My precious sword, Fate, lying hidden beneath a fallen body, patiently waiting for me. I smiled and ran to where it was. But a sudden flaming pain in my leg sent me spiraling to the ground and I looked down, almost chocking in surprise at the condition of my body. Blood and dirt stained my arms and legs and deep scratches were embedded in my armor. Looking down further I noticed that my left leg was a purple and bloody mess. And that’s when the pain set in. I cried out and reached for Fate sighing in relief at the comforting grip of its handle. I felt safer now and no-longer vulnerable like I had a few minutes before. I took a deep breath and stood, surveying the battle. I noticed with a joyful yet heavy heart that we were winning- the familiar white and blue uniform of Tangar’s far outnumbered those of the mercenaries’ grubby and mismatched wear. That was when I heard her....

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  1. One word: Wow. Now *that* was incredible. I have rarely seen such vivid and lively description of a medieval battle. That piece was truly fantastic. Is this going to be in a novel? Because if it is, whoever reads it will be lucky to come upon this passage. Just a suggestion: I think that early on in the story, you should mention the blue and white uniformed soldiers of Tangar, as well as the mercenaries' grubby and mismatched wear, just so that readers can get a better image of the soldiers battling around the main character.

        This piece was free of grammar errors and contained such a wonderful web of vocabulary. You are a great writer.

        Happy writing!  


  2. wooow....i loved it! :D

    Really good! Good luck with the rest of your book. tell me when it comes out, and the name, haha ;)

  3. pretty good.

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