What do you think of this first chapter to my story? Please critique.?

Question

I kept having trouble when I tried to post this question, because my chapter exceeded the limit. So, here is the link http://www.quizilla.com/stories/7822108/i-dont-have-a-name-yet-chapter1 I want to know what you think of it. I would love some people to critique. Thanks!

Answer 1

that was excellent. email me more at [e-mail] i'd love to know what happens and would be glad to critique anything you've got.

Answer 2

i found it very compelling and descriptive. it really drew me in and i would like to read more!

Answer 3

i Think you did a good job, i can tell you did alot of work on it. I recommend to re-read it and edit a few things, use a thesaurus because some words can sound better if you changed them around. Also a few thing didnt sound write if you re-wrote them i'd be amazinger:] hope i helped

Answer 4

in the beginning you have a lot of "i did this, i did that" but your first sentance did draw me in.

egads! another love story? that's my personal mind set, when you mentioned the boy, but a lot of people like love stories.

you meeting with the queen was too quick and too simple, unless you  want it to be a short-story

but other wise, i like the idea and all, but i liked it better in the slowish mood you had at the start.

like instead of saying, i looked out the window

you could say, my eyes found themselfs dragging away from the monotonous teacher, and wandering outside the window.

i just persanally like it going slow

Answer 5

i like it!  you should definitely keep working on it.  i'm guessing you've read the twilight books? you seemed to be very influenced by stephenie meyer's style which isn't a bad thing at all ;)

if you ever want specific feedback pleeeease send it to me! [e-mail]  i want to hear more :D good luck

Answer 6

um ya truthfully i don't like it that much

Answer 7

wow. i loved it. really i did.

you have a lot of grammar and punctuation errors. misspelled words.

the story line was good. can you send me the other chapters when you are done. i really wish to keep reading it. i loved it a lot. it kind of reminded me of a weaker version of twilight. but not weak in a bad way, but the fact that they are like energy vampires. and i knew that she was going to be like his Bella and him like her Edward. its just obvious. but i liked it. and i want to hear more. please send it to me. chapter by chapter if you can.  

Answer 8

i started to read the beginning.

you could seriously be an author!!!

did you do that all on your own!

its awesome.

  

you should give me a good answer to my autobiography question.

please and thank you.

                       -Allison

Answer 9

I read the whole thing from start to finish.  Some writers get offended when you ask them to read a rough draft.  They want your best, then they critique.   I liked your story.  I think if you keep going with it and just get it out of your head then you can go back and add descriptive words, take out words that are not needed, clarify, etc.  This is what the difference is between a good writer and an average writer.  I like the kingdom you have created in your imagination.  I like your characters.   This has potential.   Might even make a good screenplay.

Thanks for the link........I have bookmarked  it and will take a look later!