Question:

What do you think of this idea for a poem?

by  |  earlier

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It's been a while since I've written anything, so it may be a bit rusty. You what they say, if you don't use it, you lose it. Hope that's not the case here.

Irreparable

I was an explorer, traversing every realm, from the blades of grass,

Traveling upward on ropes of rays, with cupped hands and squinting eyes,

wandering through the crowd of dust and particle.

I held on tight,

made it to heaven by night, and

bathed in every bath of a star,

from the bar of a balcony

And through the tunnel of light.

Without the fear of falling

I sat upon each crest of wonderment that thought to scratch the sky, with

a routine lullaby-

You were the nerve that sorted through matter, the glass which trapped the sun,

And caught the secrets of the universe

In a pale prism hung.

Words were unnecessary,

delicate as the ash of a comet’s tail

That slapped the atmosphere.

It didn’t matter, secrets were sacred.

The unspeakable was when a synapse fired, flickered, and fell to the earth,

When the roads that lead to you cracked,

in a chokehold-

You became the unremembered, a temporal plane sitting in your absence;

The flattened , epileptic lines of a machine,

a scarred tissue with no burial.

One day I’ll think of you in the stream of things,

Unwittingly, upon the stars and strings, and notes on which we played.

I’ll hold on tight, crouched by the deafening screams of an amp,

never knowing the number of times upon which you fell and rose again,

Sober-

Or the same delicate song in the distance that holds you,

too loud to hear.

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3 ANSWERS


  1. I liked it, very good, like seriously!


  2. really good- inspired.  =D

    nice metaphors, you should put some of your work together and try to get it published.

  3. uhm.. i'll be saying something which pertains to your poem noh. of course, but, please accept it peacefully and it's probably not a manner of discrimination or criticizing :)

    ----- sometimes, readers are very stubborn in reading. they like to read short but meannigful poems.. do you know couplets, quatrains, cinquains and diamantes? they are forms of poetry. They're short but meaningful.. So, I advice you to TRY to curtail your poem. However, the word is TRY only and the decision always depends on you.

    ----- your poem was probably an outstanding one.. it was amusing and dazzling poem. it contains words which have deep meaning which takes the readers to a more fluent imagination and vision of the poem. The organization, too, was well done!

    ----- this was probably not a poem noh.. I think this is somewhat a ballad [?] because it tells a story in forms of lines...

    ----- write a little subtitle pertaining to the subject of your poem.. its like the lead in a news. It makes the reading of the reader more convenient...

    ----- CONGRATULATIONS is the word for you noh.. you have the courage to present your work here and accept the comments which will be given to you. If ever I uttered wrong, blunt or unliked words, please just let me know it so I'll know if im hurting someone na pala..

    ----- thank you for honoring my, and others idea...

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