What do you think of this poem: Gravity Fields?

Question

Gravity fields

Fill out in the flake

At the out take

Retrieve the beads at the alter of the snake

And ever into diving prayer so partake

Sing in a song going detracted

In an outro of the coming attracted

Slide like a curve flowed from origin retracted

In the frame of a reference too refracted

Ring out in a post singularity

And soar afore in a hyper reality

Wave out in a drilling verticality

And cave in on a spiralling virality

Ascribe to the innner scape of the space deflate

And act on the cycle of the circle conjugate

The opera of the unfurling orbital inflate

In theater gravity spectrate.

Answer 1

pretty good...good rhyming

Answer 2

Your use of fairly sophisticated words is admirable.  "virality", "outro", "spectrate", etc., bring interesting antithetical images to play...but the majority of your audience will not understand their meaning...they'll just look at the word play and sounds.  There are only two downsides to your poem as written:

1. Short lines

2. aaaa rhyme pattern

The short lines are easily edited...simply expand them while keeping the same end word.  Lines 1 and 2 are your biggest problems not only because they are so short, but because they set the tone for the rest of the poem.  Why is this a bad thing? because when writing rhymed poetry, you need to ensure sufficient separation between the rhymed sounds or you'll end up with a very tiring rhyme that will come off far too "rhymy".  If you take a look at your other lines you'll notice they have more beats, which delays the rhyme and allows the ear to settle into a pattern that supports both the reading and th e memory.

Use of aaaa as a rhyme pattern is very ambitious, but in order to make it work well, the lines need to sound very, very natural and they need at least 5 feet (pentameter) to keep the rhymes far enough apart.  The other rhyme pattern I suggested, aaba, would relieve some of this burden, but if you do choose to keep the aaaa, then you'll need to look at extending all your lines or end up having it sound like a nursery rhyme...which it is NOT...it's far too sophisticated to be viewed that way...so you need to look closely at those sections I've tried to bring to your attention.

...and keep writing