What do you think of this poem? I wrote it, just want your opinion. Be honest I can take criticism.

Question

We Fight then you leave, you’re not around

Why do we bring each other down?

You say you love me but why do we fight

You leave me alone you’re nowhere in sight

I know I love with all my heart

Don’t want you to leave don’t want to be apart

Without you my skies are dark and gray

I love you so much will you please stay?

Its not so easy who said it would be

Try to be strong and be there for me

No more fights and no more frowns

No more turning our smiles upside down

I know we can make and ill tell you why

I love baby til the day that we die

Answer 1

Great idea, i can see the big picture.

Just need a bit of editing, as do all writing.

I write poems and I take forever trying to perfect them, just go over it and see if everything in the right order or what not as you think it should be.  you might want to add lines, take some out, rephrase some and what not.  Just revise it, yah know? All writing needs revising, even published writing.  Just try to make it better.  Like, I said, the idea, theme, message...it's all great, you can just use better words, more descriptive words that have more emotion attached to them. ....yeah, so...simply revise! lol

Good work!

Answer 2

I understand where you are going with this, and you made it there.

I find it a bit wordy and I had to think about where a thought starts and stops,,, punctuation would help that.  

I appreciate a poet that can break their work into a rythum with stanzas of thought, the reading is then easier and more focus is on the meaning.

Omitting the words "that", "and", and "but" whenever possible helps with an easier read as well.

Answer 3

Sweet love poem. What do you thing of my short poem?

I have to leave bcus I don't want to fight

The last thing I want is to mess up your mind

Hope one day you realize

Fighting is not a way to keep me by your side

Answer 4

That was an amazing poem. Good job!

You have good word choice, and you can make simple words work. Impressive. Nice job!

Your poem is really meaningful and readers who are feeling the same way you do can really connect. That's a great feeling.

However, I do believe that you can be more creative with your words. For example, the "turning smiles upside down" thing could've been much better. Try using more sophisticated words.

This would be a great song. Nicely done. =D

Answer 5

I liked your poem, the rhyme and the flow, up to the 10th line.  I personally think you forced rhymed it on lines 11 and 12 with the frowns and smiles upside down phrases and frankly messed it up.

So, my suggestion would be to take it at the 10th line a bit of a re-write from that point to say:

It's not so easy who said it would be,

we can be strong and make it, you'll see.

We belong together and I'll tell you why

because I'm going to love you baby

till the day that we die.

Answer 6

that wa very good. nice rhyme scheme too. thumbs up

Answer 7

I love this poem!  I really like the way you wrote about one of the most common and true incidents.  Picturing this scenario was really easy for me (probably because that's kind of how I write).  The only negative thing I can say about it is that editing.  I'm not a critic so that doesn't really bother me since I see it all all the time in my poems and stories.

Anyways, good job and keep writing!