What do you think of this poem? Opinions wanted

Question

I want to see what people think of the revised version and what you get from it. I see suicide, death-The end of life--The death of innocence. It could go many ways and I would like to see what people get from it and what you think

Finality

The sky breaks.

The wind saunters.

it murmurs your name,

echoing the forlorn.

The ravens’ raspy voices,

Omens of fate-

They grasp weeping branches,

warbling of life halted.

The sorrow couldn't be staved.

Demons rise in unison.

Sanctioned to dance-

The exorcism waived.

Opening their maws,

tearing through time,

as sunlight tumbles.

The sky bleeds,

water color fire.

Coyotes yip shrilly,

in pockets of darkness,

privy to the knowledge,

of the impending harvest.

The sky cries

smearing, streaking; blurring vision

leaving you mistaken

This creature feature,

is far too grotesque.

The screaming sheep flaying

as you plummet eternal

the soul dispanding

Your pieces rippling

the welcomed surface

Answer 1

Impending doom with a gothic/biblical apocalyspe mood emanating from the lines.  Almost a dreamscape filled with all things haunting from childhood tales.  There is no pausing as you read.  This is gripping.  My only critique would be to think about using coyotes.  Hyenas or jackals I think would be better suited to the ambience the poem has created.  The screaming sheep flaying gave me an image of the heavens opening up and the creatures falling to their doom.  Overall, very well done, and this is from someone who normally does not like dark.

Answer 2

This poem sounds a little too gothic..... too many descriptive words. I can't seem to find the point you're trying to make. Also a little repetitive.

There's nothing wrong with writing simple lyrics. It sounds like you tried too hard and combed through a thesaurus for 8 hours.

But hey, death of innocence. Rock on man.  \m/

Answer 3

"Hi!",

To me this is a poem about a persons childhood memory of being taunted by family members which the hurt and pain has traveled with them through time from when it occuired to their present.

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

WOW this just took 2 hours to send because of yahoo's so called lunch break. I hope i'm at least on the right track.

Cheers : )

Answer 4

its a little dark but its really good i think

Answer 5

This write puts me in mind of The Raven by Edgard Allen Poe. I can see that a lot of thought have gone into its composition, and though somewhat overpowering it is none the less an interesting piece.

Robert

Answer 6

This is a poem of dark despairing filled with nightmare visions and the inevitable welcome release at the end of the fateful path -- this is a vision of the moments before suicide.  It is shocking, and nicely done. Only the phrase "creature feature" seemed out of place.  Thanks for your walk on the dark side, though you may have disturbed my dreams...it's worth it.

Answer 7

This is more like the molestation of innocence.  This is not a normal coming of age. Your left drowning in the devastation or desperation; then chewed up and spit out in pieces.

This piece is extremely depressing and morbid... exorcism, bleeding, grotesque, darkness, life halted,,, sounds like a rape of the soul. It is disturbing.

Answer 8

This is a verbal equivalent of "The garden of earthly Delights" by Bosch.

Beautiful and scary.

Answer 9

This truly reminds me of all the times I have been sad and wanted a way out of life, all the times I wanted to know why this cold world has to be so cold to me even.

Thanks so much for the "true to your.." answer, your so helpful.

Maybe you could judge some of my poetry I would love to read more

of yours, If your interested send me a message.  

Answer 10

...Wow...Dramatic...Full of feeling...Amazing...Keep on writing

Answer 11

It has a nice apocalyptic sense to it. Here were the lines, words, and phrases that really stood out to me:

warbling (great word)

as sunlight tumbles.

The sky bleeds,

water color fire. (this was just a great sequence)

What I took away from this was a sense of the evil of the world preying on people.

One thing I would look at in the poem is areas where you could enjamb your lines more. Example:

The wind saunters

murmurs your name,

By killing the end punctuation after saunters and removing the "it' in the next line it picks up the pace and feels a little smoother. So, maybe look at working that into some of the lines (if you like).

Answer 12

dude try again this is not the best ive ever read