What do you think of this poem? and what do you think might be a good ending?

Question

the beginning might be a little cheesy. . .

what if you were gone forever

leaving my thoughts to wonder an endless dessert

when the only one to blame is myself

as we go on, you smile fades into a blank stare

all i have left is the brief memory we share

were they anything to you?

your have stained my everyday life

everything brings back the fluttery feeling

the butterflies now eaten by wasps

. . . .

didn't get any further

this is my first poem that i decided to write on my own

incase you didn't understand the butterfly part, i meant the nervous but light feelings ("butterflies in my stomach"), now only stings

how can i end it?

has anyone else felt the same? share with me :)

please give me some suggestions

i will vote for the best answer :)

Answer 1

Okay, let's fix the spelling and malapropisms first...it's "wander", not "wonder", and "desert", not "dessert" :) and "your smile", not "you smile".  When you say, "bried memory" you're saying that there is only one memory...so you can't follow that up with "were they anything", because that implies there was more than one...so you can say, "was it anything" or "brief memories", but you need to change what you have now...and I wouldn't add any lines...the last line is the best line in your poem!  and you always want to end in a good line.  On the other hand, I agree that the beginning is a bit weak...why not say, "Are you gone forever? shall my thoughts wander an endless desert when the only one to blame is myself?"  then, "We go on, your smile fades into a blank stare and all I have left is the memories we shared...were they anything to you?"  I'm not sure "you have stained my every day life" is a good line or not..."stained" seems a bit negative...but only you know the image you're trying to create.

Hope this helps...and keep writing