What do you think of this poem? any advice or suggestions ?

Question

i gave an gave

you took an took

yet some how

its all my fault

treated you like a princess

thought you were the best

thought you be the one

yet you kept things away

little details hidden

you played mind games

so i did too

i know

2 wrongs dont make a right

but they make us even

al the words spoken

were always from the heart

just to settle the score

u gave up n left

i never walked away

i just stop chasing

a dream that could never be true

any advice or or suggestions would be good i wrote this alittle while back an just wondering how i could make it better

Answer 1

i like the poem alot,but in my oppinion i think it shud be a song...i know thats prolly not the answer your looking for but it wud be a great song!!!,  

Answer 2

I think that the 1st thing is to give it a title to ease referencing it in the future.

I like the 4 last lines. change stop to stopped, and work over the rhythm of the last line, something like:

I just stopped chasing

The dreams of every day

*The opening (start) of the verse was weak by repetition ( gave & gave, took & took).  It 'd 'v been more meaningful to say something like :

I hid nothing from you

All I had was yours.. etc

Also words like: SOMEHOW , and THOUGHT  weaken the flow, it reflects indecision and reluctance.

*You have two good lines there : two wrongs....even.  

*Never mind the rhyming.

*I can feel that U have a talent waving in the horizon of lyrics, especially love songs w/ a more complex treatment of the theme. Just hang on there and keep on writing. Good luck.

Answer 3

this is good david

and thanks for adding me as your contact

Answer 4

Hi, I'm sixteen please don't judge me.

This poem is amazing! I love it because it's so meaningful and ultimately  true. I love the whole poem and I don't think you should revised it because it's perfect the way it is!!

KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!

- Amanda.

Answer 5

This is a gift to you 'cause I've been there too man...

LOVE IS GIVE AND TAKE

I gave and gave

You took an took

I saved and saved

You hooked and hooked

I know I know

I dream I dream

You go you go

You're mean you're mean

My fault my fault

My bad my bad

I called I called

You sad you sad

You say you say

I see I see

The way the way

To be to be

CHORUS

I treated you like a princess

I thought you were the best

But you wanna break the rules

You were my one and only

And now you're leaving me lonely

Love is a game of push and pull

You're hot You're hot

You're cold you're cold

Won't do won't do

What you're told

You play you play

Mind games mind games

Something something

Must change

I know

BRIDGE

Two wrongs two wrongs

Don't make a right

But it can make us even

Words are spoken

From the heart

Why do we need a reason?

GUITAR SOLO

CHORUS

I treated you like a princess

I thought you were the best

But you wanna break the rules

You were my one and only

And now you're leaving me lonely

Love is a game of push and pull

Answer 6

that is really a good poem i think like lulu that this will  be a great song.

Answer 7

ooooh i like it!