What do you think of this poem?????

Question

This is the second time I have changed this poem. Honest opinions and suggestions please.

I couldn't help but see how you look so good today.

You smile down at me and my heart flutters away.

You speak to me, but silence is all I ever hear.

Because talking to you is my deepest fear.

If I open my mouth, you'll think I'm a joke.

Then any chance I had, will go up in smoke.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see you leaving.

I wish I had the courage to say

Goodbye.

Answer 1

thats good but in the  end it sould be i wish u had the...... to say i am leaving but its realy good i love itt

Answer 2

its pretty good but around the end its kind of stupid

Answer 3

I think its creative.

It seems to be telling a true story that a lot of people might be able to relate to.

Answer 4

Simplify your language!

"I couldn't help but see how you look so good today." is very convoluted (twisted) and difficult to understand.

I think what you meant was "You looked good today,"  or "I noticed how nice you look today."

Include some concrete images in your poems instead of all vague generalities.  "You look good" can mean anything - maybe you like people who are very tall and who have dark hair, for instance.  I might totally disagree - I might like people who are short and blond!  

"My heart flutters away" is trite and hackneyed, as is "Go up in smoke,"  and "think I'm a joke."Try to think of new and interesting ways of expressing yourself.  For example,  "any chances I had will evaporate like the dew in the August sun."

Answer 5

thats really good

seems like a real expierence[sp] uve had

that many ppl can relate to

and u get the msg across that it is u talking to a crush some ppl make it so difficult to understand

but i think u should change the word"joke" to "fool"

but thats just my opinion either way is fine

i love it!:)

u have talent:]

check out my poem plz?:]

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 6

that is ........ AWESOME>>>

Answer 7

im not moved by it any means. its ok for maybe a highschool level english project!!

Answer 8

hmm. well.. sounds like you are still in high school and the boy that is your crush is the continuous topic of choice. got anything else?

Answer 9

I like it!  PLUS... I can actually understand what is going on.  (Many people write poems that are so abstract that I am like... what the??  Butterflies on my toes?  Warm winter breeze?)

Answer 10

WOW!! I really like it. I liked the way you ended it nice a soft. Some people just end a poem and its like your reading and it just ends. But I like that yours doesn't do that.

Answer 11

It is good.

You ryhme well.

It is creative, and this poem shows how some teens feel. I think many people can relate to this poem.

I think you did a good job ^^

Answer 12

it's really good. i can relate to it.

Answer 13

Very good.  You have a way with words.

Answer 14

IMHO, it appears too plain. A loose idea which says everything and nothing, all at once. Nice try though, it doesn't necessarily mean it has to stop here.