What do you think of this poem/song I wrote?

Question

"Haunting Me"

I lay in bed asleep

and I wake up as I weep

I weep tears of sorrow

I tell myself I'd deal with it tomorrow

I need to get you out of my head

it's not my fault your dead

so just leave me alone

I'm scared of you you've known

You need to go away

you can't stay

I can't go on much more

sorry about the pain you had to andore

but its not my fault so stop please

haunting me

I can't get you off my mind

everything before you died was fine

now I'm even scared to breathe

all this pain why me?

I lay here trying to sleep tonight

but all I can do is fright

I wanna run away

but you'll chase me anyway

I can't go on much more

sorry about the pain you had to andore

but its not my fault so stop please

haunting me

I wanna die but thats what you want

for me to give up well I'm not

I wish that you would go away

please don't stay another day

(screams: GO AWAY!)

I can't go on much more

sorry about the pain you had to andore

but its not my fault so stop please

haunting me

Ok whatcha think?

It's mainly about a girl thats being haunted by some ghost girl or guy, that she really doesn't know.

Answer 1

eh, it's okay.

the chorus is too short.

kinda emo.

i say... 7.3 out of 10.

Answer 2

I kinda like it but the end of the chorus seems too short, just Haunting me?  What about

but its not my fault so stop please

please just stop haunting me

The song overall.. I'd give it like a6.5-7 it's really emo-ish

Answer 3

I really like this, i look at it more as a song then a poem. I think it sound like something Flyleaf would sing. I picture a rockish,emoish type of girl singing this. It is really really good except the chorus could use three or four more lines. Over all you did great. Just fix it up a bit and lengthen the chorus and there you go. I would give you a 10 out of ten. And I'm not just trying to get points, i actually like it. I try to write songs myself but they end up dumb. So really a awesome job you've done. Keep up the great work!

Answer 4

GREAT POEM!

(maybe it should be "endure" rather than "andore" tho?)

Feels to me like it's based on personal experience (as the best poems are).

Keep writing!!

Answer 5

i say 10 outta 10