What do you think of this poem titled Mortician? How could I improve?

Question

Don't steel it, really. How could I imrove, I don't mean how creapy it is, but thanks.

Call the mortician.

Tell him I’m dead.

I just noticed….

I don’t get it,

But I know he'll take me away.

Don’t forget to wear black,

Even though that’s what you wear everyday.

Line the coffin with led,

cause I've had enough silver.

I always owned it, and i'm sick of what I've had.

So give me a sickness,

and rid me of this illness.

Call the mortician.

Tell him I'm dead.

Answer 1

I laughed my a$$ off reading this.  

You cannot improve something this wonderful!!!!

In your 8th line, it's 'lead' not 'led'.  Other than that, this is just a kick in the pants and I love it.

call the mortician

tell him I'm dead

I just noticed.... :O))))

oh lord if death could catch us all so involved in life that we didn't notice!!!!

P.S.  In your question it's "steal" and "creepy".  Your spelling isn't so great but the poem is.

Answer 2

woow!

answer my question:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 3

Merritt,

I love double edged fiction. This poem is like listening to John Wayne in a Western Drama. He has rode the frontier as a US Marshall for years knowing that he will never live a full life. Now that mortality enters the picture after he was shot in a gunfight, he talks bravely as he nears deaths heavy door... I'd call it 'Deathbed'. You speak in the third person quite well...

DEATHBED

Will someone call the mortician

Because I think I am dead,

And it don't take a mathmatician

To know I lie in my deathbed.

I know how it happened

So I don't have a fear,

I drew slower than El Capitan

And that's how I got here!

Another fool

Soon I'll be gone,

Wear a black hat to the funeral

Just like the one you have on.

I've had my share of silver

Line my coffin with lead,

I used to be a killer

With a bounty on my head

I saw the straight and narrow

On a stage near Kankakee,

Staring at a shot gun barrel

The lawman's life was the one for me

Another fool

Under the lawn,

Wear a black hat to the funeral

Just like you that you have on

Will someone call the mortician

Because I think I am dead,

And it don't take a mathmatician

To know I lie in my deathbed.

Ashes to dust

So when I'm gone,

Wear a black hat to the funeral

Like the one that you have on!

Thanks for sharing and don't worry, I don't steal... I can take a morsel and turn it into a meal....  Grade  A -

Answer 4

I don't like it. It doesn't seem to have any sort of format. You could expand on the idea, Its short, and you don't explain your ideas. It could be better.

Answer 5

you jacked my poem i made it up first Call the mortician.

Tell him I’m dead.

I just noticed….

I don’t get it,

But I know he'll take me away.

Don’t forget to wear black,

Even though that’s what you wear everyday.

Line the coffin with led,

cause I've had enough silver.

I always owned it, and i'm sick of what I've had.

So give me a sickness,

and rid me of this illness.

Call the mortician.

Tell him I'm dead.