What do you think of this stanza?

Question

Just as Sun basks Earth

With heat life-giving

Newton’s fruit draw

Her shine ever closer

(By some natural law)

Her warmth ever cluster

To my skin

To my strength

To my heart

For she was Loren

I need good critique here. I want to know if my rhythm is off.

Answer 1

The rhythm is not that evident. It does not seem complete. The poem needs a bit more work. Keep up the good work.

Answer 2

I appreciate you for Ur best work.But rhythm is off.

Answer 3

the verb bask is used incorrectly. something "basks" in the sun. i dunno..."warms" might work. Youcan figure that out...

"draw" should be "draws" since it's "fruit" not "fruits".

"ever cluster" should probably be grammatically changed to "ever clustering around" or "clustering around" - might want to pick a better word than cluster. How about penetrating or piercing (it has a vague sexual meaning and has a sense of vulnerability and reaching the deep parts of you)

the rhythm will come naturally once grammar is fixed.

you probably should concentrate of how you use the metaphor of fruit/Earth and Sun and the narrator and his/her Loren. The closer the methapor expresses a particular image or experience Loren made the narrator feel, the better and more meaningful. Right now it's a bit confusing, though one can get the gist that you're trying to compare the sun warming the earth withhowLorenmakes the narrator feel.

Keep at it. I particularly liked you using more scientific descriptions which is tough to utilize.

Hope that helped.

Answer 4

Watch your meter, your rhythm is a bit off.