What do you think of this story line??

Question

PLEASE BE HARSH!

Characters

Una-Main character

Isobelle-Una's Mum

Charlie-Una's Step Dad

Phil-Isobelle's ex-boyfriend and psychopath

Patty-Una's Grandmother

Edward-Una's 'sorta' boyfriend

Patty has just passed away leaving Una an orphan and a key. they key unlocks a chest with a stack of money and a note inside. the note is a riddle that leads her to another then another and so on. she goes on an adventure to find her parents, Isobelle and Charlie have just recently disappeared in a tragic plane crash. on the way Phil is trying to murder Una for revenge. Una introduced Isobelle and charlie whoo fell instantly in love, leaving Phil single, devostated, angry and phsycopathic. Una meets Edward on the way who accomponies her on her journey.

in the end Edward and Una kill Phil (from self defense) , she doesn't find her parents, she travels all over the world, but she finds the family inheritance in the end.

What do you think? PLEASE add on anything that you think should be included and please rate MY story line. 10 being Perfect and 1 being c**p....Be honest!

Answer 1

Hrm...

What happened to Una's biological father? Who IS he anyway?

You need to give Phil more depth too. One break up wouldn't turn him into a psycho. Maybe he has an illness or a troubled past.

You could change the end a little. Una could be kidnapped by her real dad who is insane and wants nothing more than to be with his daughter. In the end, her mother is alive and comes back on a rescue boat/helicopter to get Una. Una has to choose between her mum or her dad. Whoever she doesn't choose will never see her again. Who does she pick?

Right now, I give it 7.

Answer 2

it's an interesting storyline, but a little confusing. i'd rate it a 6. it just needs a little work [:

BTW, how could Una have introduced her mom and stepdad if she doesn't know her parents? or does she know her parents? What happened to her dad? include that too... might make it less confusing

good luck! [:

Answer 3

     Cut the plane crash bit.  Una simply has no idea where they are, except for the clues in the note.  Why did they leave her?  Cut out Phil as well.  It makes it far too muddled.  You must have her finding her parents, or really you're cheating the reader in a way.  The reader wants to know what happened to them as well.  Una's been living with her grandmother all these years and her grandmother's refused to tell her where her parents are or why they left.

     Watch your spelling.  There are numerous mistakes in your summary.  I hope this has been of some help,

Good luck

Mike B

Answer 4

a) dont use the names edward, phil, charlie or isobelle - waaaay to close to twilight (isabella's bf it edward, her dad is charlie, step-dad is phil in case you hadnt read it) lol.

b) it needs some work to refine it, but overall it could work.

keep working hard!!! write as much as you can and get a friend to help edit it.