What do you think of this story of anorexia?

Question

Before I begin, I'd like to state that this is based of the story of one of my great friends. The second paragraph is directly from her. I hope you enjoy this.

“Claire, you’re so fat that when you tipped over that boat the whales started singing ‘We are family!’” I would hear those cruel taunts every day in my teenage years, and at that one day, I just couldn’t take it. I started eating less and less, and soon enough I was 75 pounds, while before I was 120. I wouldn’t tell anyone about my struggles except for my best friend, Brianna. Not even my parents knew. It was hard, and it was a daily battle- me against the weight.

After a while starving myself felt good. I liked the feeling of being hungry because I was in control of my body, the few things I could control then....but you know anorexia became a part of my life like it was a religion I lived by and when someone made a comment about some celebrity looking anorexic I would look at them like they said it was about me because I didn’t want anyone to drag down my freedom and make my mind remind me that what I was doing was wrong. Because even thought I knew it was wrong, it felt good and most importantly I was in control. It was difficult hiding it when I was at school because my friends would ask why I wasn’t eating and why I was so thin, I learned to block it out and lie to them. I became a very good liar. My dad is in Iraq and my mom goes on endless buisness trips so it was really easy at home because no one was ever there. Once in a while I would have to have my friends come over and maul my kitchen for food so it looked like I ate while she was gone. My mom never really sat down and ate a meal with me either, always on buisness dinners and stuff. But during the time, I soon realized how much of a monster I am. Lying to my friends and family, not caring about other people’s feeling just so I could feel more confident and be happy with myself. And for a while I was confident......than that confidence decreased because all these rumors about me being anorexic spread around and it was true. I saw people react to what they've heard about me and then they opened my eyes more. I lost many friends, and gained a few. I think the most emotional time for me is when my parents and friends found out. There was too much drama I couldn’t escape. Over all, I would say being anorexic wasn’t worth the time, the lies, the friends I lost, the trust I lost, the money, and the sadness it put my parents through.

Every time I would look in the mirror I would see this giant monster, and I would cry myself to sleep sometimes.

“Claire, you’re losing a lot of weight. Are you okay?” my mom would ask me. My rips and back bones were showing through.

“Yeah, mom.” I would tell her.

Then one day, I looked in the mirror, and instead of seeing a big, fat monster, I saw a skinny, small monster. And at that point I knew that I would have to start eating normal again.

So the next morning, instead of eating 2 spoonfuls of cereal, I ate a whole waffle. But immediately after I ate it, I knew something was wrong. My stomach was hurting.

Five minutes later, I threw up. I guessed at the time my stomach couldn’t handle it. But this continued forever, until I told my mom about my struggles. Instead of being mad, she was supportive.

“I tried to eat, I really tried!” I would wail, and she would pat my back.

Soon she took me to the hospital.

“I’m sorry, Claire. Your organs are damaged and you need a new stomach.”

August 1st, 2008.

That was my expiration date if I didn’t get a donor. I had breakdowns constantly. I wanted hope, not sympathy.

I never got a donor, but I got a robotic stomach. Soon enough I learned that my new robot stomach was failing. But so far I was doing better.

One day I tried out for the best cheerleading squad in the state. And you know what they said?

“You have great potential, but you’d be a bad influence to other girls.”

Honestly, what has the society come to at this day? Couldn’t they see that I was trying my best? I felt like an outsider.

So never, ever go anorexic. It’s horrible, and can ruin your life forever.

-----

How was it?

Answer 1

It's not bad writing, however it sounds really detached.  It's obvious from reading this that you have never personally experienced anorexia.  You may have better luck if you try to write about anorexia from a worried friend's point of view (since you know what it's like to be in that position).

Answer 2

Sounded great to me, I'd like to read more. Are you on any writing sites? I'm on http://chapteread.com They have cool features. worth checking out!! and good luck.

Answer 3

Very good. Very good.

Answer 4

It was pretty good.

The last line is pretty weak though... maybe change it to something like, "Anorexia ruined my life, don't let it ruin yours."

Other then that it's great. :D

Answer 5

The message and plot are good, but you have a few grammatical errors and not enough description.  You should add a few more sentences in certain places to make the transitions better.  The ending is very abrupt and almost cliche... Try not to end with the message of the story so bluntly stated.  

The transitions in between paragraphs are a bit weak, so see if you can make them flow a little better.  Right now its a bit choppy but if you keep working on it, I think you could have a pretty good story.

Grammar:  

-try not to begin sentences with "and"

-"I liked the feeling of being hungry because I was in control of my body, the few things I could control then....but you know anorexia became a part of my life like it was a religion I lived by and when someone made a comment about some celebrity looking anorexic I would look at them like they said it was about me because I didn’t want anyone to drag down my freedom and make my mind remind me that what I was doing was wrong."  is a bit of a run on and parts don't make sense.  reread it out loud and see where you would pause to make it sound better.  

-you often change verb tenses.  try to stick with the past tense unless you really need to use it.  

Answer 6

Amazing. I'm actually reading a book about Bulimia now. It's called

"Perfect"

I like your story too.

The only thing I didn't like about it was

1. Grammar and Spelling

2. At the end when you said "So never, ever go anorexic. It’s horrible, and can ruin your life forever"

3. The way the character would so easily admit she had a problem (I mean, doesn't it usually take a while before they would start feeling good about themselves?)

Otherwise, good =D

Answer 7

about as boring and generic as anything about anorexia could ever be, kowtowing, and nothing worth reading.  like an enlongated emo tune.  detached and trying too hard.