What do you think of this story so far?

Question

working progress, what do you think so far?

Emmett drummed this hands on the table in a drum-roll, grinning widely as he waited for Bailey to answer.

She tried to hide her smile unsuccessfully under Emmett's intense gaze. I watched closely despite liking the girl about as much as green cheese, privately enjoying her discomfort, no matter how small that was.

"I am *so* not gonna answer that!" She flicked her gaze upwards, meeting Emmett's gaze for a second and then burst out laughing. "Stop it! I won't tell you!"

"Oh yeah?" Emmett's eyes gleamed mischeviously. Next second he had pounced, and Bailey shrieked in surprise and everyone else laughed.

"Let go! Let go!" She laughed.

"Oh shut up, you know you love it," Emmett lifted her over his shoulder as my phone beeped.

I looked down, a sliver of anticipation ran through me as I saw that it was from Ethan. Grinning, I opened the message. I stiffened in my seat, staring at the text, everything muted suddenly, as though someone had stuffed cotton wool into my ears.

*sorry, i can't do this. i don't think we should see each other anymore*

The world was spinning, and I didn't know what to do. Of course this had been coming, so why was I caught off guard? The pressure in my ears and chest increased as though I was sinking under water. My breathing was shallow as my eyes unfocused and I gripped the phone so hard my knuckles turned white and I began to lose feeling in my hand.

The others were laughing around me, Emmett having just cracked another joke.

"Cowardly b*****d" I growled under my breath and the laughter died away. I was surprised that they could hear me. They stared at me cautiously, wearily, as though waiting for me to explode.

"You OK?" Emmett finally asked, taking a step towards me. Behind him, Bailey pouted in annoyance.

"Fine." I replied gruffly, yanking his baseball cap off his head and putting it on, pulling it down as far as it would go over my eyes. I turned away briskly, trying not to feel, but my heart was beating like a frantic bird in a cage, threatening to break free and destroy me.

"Where are you going?" Emmett called as he jogged a few paces to catch up with me.

"To throw myself off a cliff," I replied sarcastically. I wished I knew what my face looked like, what, if anything it betrayed...

The bright sunlight blinded me momentarily as we walked out into the courtyard, and I felt a sudden surge of irrational fury. I was sick of all this sunlight! Sick of the constant heat, sick of being so hot that I had to change my clothes several times a day, sick of the fake blondes and their stupid nose jobs and every d**n person that surrounded me! I couldn't believe that when I got here at the start of the year I'd considered this place to be *beautiful*! It was hot and stuffy and I missed home!

Emotions were building up in my chest and my breathing was uneven, I tried to calm down, seeing as Emmett would think that I was upset over *Ethan* rather than the sudden hate of every d**n thing that surrounded me. It was like I had been dreaming, caught up with the lovely Americanness of it all and now I was suddenly and rudely awakened, disoriented and finding myself in a place where I hated everything about the strange people and places, from their ridiculously over-sized cars to their even more ridiculous accents.

I missed home; I missed England.

Forcing myself into a numbed state, I looked down at my hand, expecting to see my phone so that I could call the airlines and book a flight out of this h**l hole. My hand was empty. I looked around, confused, wondering whether I had dropped it, but then I saw Emmett was holding it, looking at me intently, cautiously.

"What were you about to do?" He asked quietly as a pair of girls went past us, shrieking with laughter and throwing glowing looks under their eyelashes at Emmett.

"Book a flight to go home," I reached for my phone, but he didn't hand it over. I sighed, realizing that I may have alarmed him slightly. The problem with being completely myself around him was that my behaviour was not something that he, being normal in so many ways, was not used to.

"Home?" He repeated, not missing a beat and taking my elbow, gently steering me towards the trees. "Why?"

"I am so *sick* of america..." I snarled, flinging myself down onto the bench, glad to be in the shade again.

"Is this about *him*?" He indicated at my mobile phone, which he was still holding. I was glad that he was tactful enough not to say his name.

"No. I was just deluding myself with the American Dream," I half smiled. "I thought that by moving here, I would get a chance at normality, but I was better off in England. No annoying accents, no sun trying to burn my skin all the bloody time..." I took a deep breath. "The text merely made me remember that I was deluding myself, and I am not going to waste another moment in this place, humiliating myself any further..."

My foot began to tap impatiently as sweat collected on

Answer 1

Honestly?

It's too long and i"m too impatient so i didn't read it entirely.  But i'm being honest about it and not pretending i loved or hated it :) !!!

Answer 2

I honestly really liked. I wish there was more to it, kept my attention all the way through which is hard to do, I want to know more about her situation, why is she in America, is ethan there or is he "home" I want to know more about your characters. The only thing I would say is that I agree with the person thats said like the muted was enough you've crammed a bit too much description into one place but over all its really good you should finish it.

Charleigh

Answer 3

sorry, i didnt read it cause im more of a fantasy person but i skimmed through the beginning and noticed a few things

first of all there are grammer and spelling errors but everyone has those so dont worry.

you tend to repeat words a lot like "he drummed his hands in a drumroll" sounds awkward and you say Emmett a lot which is annoying.

and it kind of was a little confusing the way you described things, maybe you should just go through it once more and change things around a little

Answer 4

YAy! england ! its good, you could think about that thing that says ''dont say how your feeling, show it'' meh..i dont really know what im on about..anyhoo, its good !! well done ;]

Answer 5

Couldnt get past the second paragraph.

The story doesnt capture the reader.

You may want to check spelling. He drummed this hand ?? Which hand ?

What is the thing with green cheese ?? I didnt quite follow that

Answer 6

     I think it shows a lot of promise.  Just one small thing.  If Emmett's drumming his fingers on the table, it must be in a drum roll!  The drum roll's redundant.  Sorry.  Just being picky over a piece that's really very good.  Try reading it into a tape recorder, and playing it back.  You can pick up lots of mistakes that way. Not that you've made 'lot's,' but you know what I mean.  It's a method of throwing up any mistakes you may have made.  But keep going.  You're doing very well.  It should turn out to be a good story.

Good luck

Mike B

Answer 7

I really liked it.

Keep going :)

Answer 8

I think this story is genius. The only comment i have it all the analogies. I get that you want to paint a picture but like saying everything muted, you don't really NEED to say "like someone stuffed cotton wool in my ears". the muted part was fine. just little editing would make this story insanely wonderful.

GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

Few criticisms:

If you want to be taken seriously, stop using *s. I know you're trying to demonstrate italics but if you read a normal novel, you will rarely find an author who uses that many and if they do it's usually for a particular effect, say satire. You need to find other ways to emphasise what you mean or not even at all. "Is this about him?" doesn't need an emphasis, Emmett is waving the phone so we know who he's talking about and so do she.

Secondly, you need to check a few bits of spelling and grammar. "This hands", America has a capital A... and I want to correct your American spelling but I'll resist ;)

I think you also need a better introduction to your main character, it's very confusing at first where you switch between third and first person.

Characterisation-wise, I hope Emmett isn't just this perfect, perfect guy who just happens to be friends with Main Character, much to the jealousy of everyone else. I hope there is a good reason for their friendship, especially as she is a little crazy and he seems kinda popular.

Otherwise I like your style, it's original. You use your own similes and metaphors which I like, such as the cotton wool and the bird in the cage. Great potential, it's not the sort of thing I'd usually read but I'm interested! So don't take anything I said above negatively!

Is there a reason for writing or are you doing it for kicks?

Answer 10

i like it, it kept my attention