I used to be able to go for days without thinking anything special. I would live on meager sentences and cut off stories. I influenced the outside world and the world could not change me. I made my own good day and could live off of a memory.
He was the asterisk, a wrap around my ankle that forced me to live in a land of actions, consequence and maybe even karma.
The first thing on my mind was a wild cry, a prayer to God.
Please, God, don't let it happen, please.
The way I let him take and twist my heart was nightmarish. Why can't I enjoy a sunset without feeling the fire? My life is a jerky rhythm, a dependable letdown and I follow it with a certain aura of tough stupidity.Why do I always choose to balance,stagger across a wire?
I throw it all in on a hiss of a chance. Here I am, knowing my weakness, knowing how the pain will slice and yet I close my eyes, blind my eyes and jump, unable to resisist the seduction of a flickering flame. Why is it that when I manage to pull myself back I feel dissatisfied, guilty and unsettled?
Maybe I'l l come to a page in my life where I can embrace if not enjoy every emotion, every day, every moment. Listining to him stutter about stuff, seeing him with her, knowing he's with her, coming and leaving. It all becomes a story, a bittersweet song. It feels like walking into the wind with a bag strapped to my shoulders. My shoulders are sore,my legs are tired,and I have to close my eyes to protect them from the wind yet somehow....it's exhilerating.
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