What do you think of this writing?

Question

This is the first page to a story i'm writing. Can you all please read it and let me know what you think of it. Thanks

THE MIND GAME

This is the story of a young girl named Faye. Faye was the daughter of a man named Francis and his wife Emma Brown. Faye had a twin brother named Thom and a little sister named Emily. Faye’s parents owned a sport shop and her father played golf. Francis wanted Thom to flow his footsteps and play golf as well. Thom wanted to go to collogue and become a schoolteacher, Emily wanted to go to art school, and Faye wanted to play golf. Which was out of the question because ladies didn’t play golf hinnies the name (gentlemen only ladies forbidden); but Faye was determined to change that.

“Faye? What are you doing? Your mother needs you at the shop.” Ms. Murry said. Faye looked up form the book she was reading Adventure at Sea, by Sarah Matthews.

“What?” Faye asked. Ms. Murry gave her a look before saying again,

“The shop child! Your fathers shop. Get going!” Ms. Murry yelled.

Faye gaped at the women as if she were insane. “Papa, said he didn’t need me to work at the shop today because, Thom was going in over after school.”

“Thom didn’t go to school today child something came up and he had to go with your father to a game in New York. Now get going your mother needs all the help she can get. Leave the book here child, and get going. NOW!” Faye stood mumbling about how Thom always got to watch the golf games. Ms. Murry stared at Faye as she walked out the door and turned down the street toward her fathers shop. “That child is the oddest thing you’d think the way she goes on about golf she’d want to play it.” Then the oddest thought occurred to her “The child does want to play golf.”

“That can’t be she’s a girl, for heavens sakes. What have you been drinking Chelby?”

Faye opened the door to her parent’s shop it was packed full with men and boys looking for equipment. Some called greetings to her as she weaved her way through the aliases and the people that were in the shop. When Faye found her mother in the back room she was shocked to see that her mothers long dark drown hair was hanging down her back other than that she looked normal, her white apron was stretched across her belly, but that was simply because she was pregnant with her fourth child. Emma Brown looked up at her oldest daughter. Faye’s long reddish-brown hair was pulled back in ponytail; she was wearing a long dress that touched the ground of a navy-blue color. Faye picked up the white apron that was hanging on the back of the winged-arm chair, and tied it around her waist.

“I thought you weren’t coming today.” Her mother said.

“Ms. Murry told me you would need help since papa took Thom to the game in New York.”

“Well she was right about that. Go see if Mr. Carson needs any help.”

“Yes mama.” Faye walked out the door and back into the main part of the shop.

Mr. Carson was on the alia that had golf equipment. “Do you need any help Mr. Carson?” Faye asked.

“Hm? Oh hello Faye, is your father here?”

“No sir.”

“When will he be back?”

“I don’t know sir.”

“Good day to you then Miss Faye.”

“Good day sir.” Faye answered as he walked out the door. Not for the first time Faye thought, Mr. Carson is a strange man.

Faye shook her head before going to see if young man at the end of the row needed help.

Answer 1

It's not bad but there are some parts that can be improved. Here is some critique. Whether or not you listen to it is up to you. = )

First off, your first paragraph... When I read it, it makes me feel overwhelmed with information. You immediately bring all the characters out. However, if you could maybe just kind of... slowly introduce the characters or something?

I understand that some may want to get the introduction over with first and move on to the plot but too much information at once usually makes the reader re-read everything to memorize the facts. This makes some of them a little unhappy. You want to story to flow as smoothly as possible.

Another thing, describe where it is taking place. It doesn’t have to be super detailed but give us some information so we can imagine in our minds what is going on. With the scene of her reading the book, I don’t know if she is at school, or in the library… etc.

And you also introduced Ms. Murry without letting me know who she was. Was she a teacher? A person who lived next door?

When writing, try not to throw the readers all the information. Slowly go through it with them, and kind of show them instead of telling them bluntly.

Alright, I’m pretty sure you are tired of reading this so I’m going to stop here. I’m not the best at critique… Hahahaha… I think you did a good job when you wrote about when she opened the door to her parent’s shop.

Once again, you don’t have to listen to this critique. This is just merely what I enjoy reading. Keep on writing! I know we’ll have a fantastic author some day. = )

Answer 2

You need to do better re angering of your topics in order for the book to make sense. For example at the binging you talk about the parents wishes. Than you change to the present and what is happing which is kinda confusing.  

Answer 3

I wasn't exactly sure if the first part is actually part of the book but if it is you need to drag that out a bit more it seems a little bit confusing. After that first paragraph it gets really good, i'm pretty interested. Good luck on finishing it!

Write on!

Answer 4

no one hass time to read this okay so im going to say good i guess