Question:

What do you think of thisssss?? please give me ur critique.?

by  |  earlier

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She killed me.

Midnight rising she pressed the frigid steel against my temple.

Tears cascaded my make-up stained face in hues of rouge and black.

Her anger ignited gasps slid through exhausted lips, half clenched.

To humor myself I engulfed what passion had not yet provoked into fear and raised my hand.

It met her cheek with desperate precision.

The backdrop of the moonlight onto the porch lit her face in metallic green.

I let my hand fall, and with it went my body.

Fallen to my knees, I clenched heavy fists and held fast to the fire melted wood beneath me.

I was ready.

With lovers hatred she kneeled, the lead murderess still staring me in the face.

Wanting to fall into her, I held my place and trembled strongly in waiting for her to ration with whoever was at the surface.

“I love you”, plunged half way from deep inside me as the trigger pulled and wrote the ending.

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9 ANSWERS


  1. good work you should be proud of yourself

    great job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...


  2. i love it that is awesoem!!! you are a great writer keep i tup vcan i ask what you are writing for...a book maybe?

  3. whoa.. this is deep.. i like it!! good job :]

    answer mine about the mtv music awards? please and thanks!!

  4. WOW,

    That is amazing

    Im writing my Autobiography i must

    confess but this is amazing


  5. wow, thats amazing. you're really talented

  6. WOW. just WOW

  7. Is this an entry in a Bulwer-Lytton contest? If so, its great.

    Otherwise, um... sorry. I'll play grammar police though.

    Midnight rising, COMMA.

    The verb cascade can't have an object. Something, such as water, cascades. You can't cascade something. Do you mean "Tears cascaded DOWN my makeup stained face?

    In English, rouge isn't a hue. You mean red. Rouge is something that you use for blush.

    Try exhausted, half clenched lips. It flows a lot better. But I don't know how you would clench lips. You clench fists. You purse lips.

    There is a word missing somewhere between engulfed and provoked. I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence. It isn't structured properly.

    Go with an image of either a backdrop of moonlight, or moonlight falling onto the porch. Using them together isn't making sense to me. The backdrop of the moonlight ON the porch would work.

    Wood doesn't melt. Pick an ash related metaphor.

    Do you mean to RATIONALIZE? To ration means to distribute something.

    From half way inside of you or from deep inside of you? Pick one. And plunged implies something going in. Not out. Your utterance is coming OUT of you.

    The trigger didn't pull itself. Make this sentence active.


  8. You are a regular Jonathan Swift.

  9. wow you are a good writer!

    keep it up (:

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