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What do you think of what I have so far out of mt novel?

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I hope you like it. I showed almost all of my friends and they said they like it. Do you? Its my third book I'm working on. Sorry if some of you already read the first section.

Chapter-One Just another Day.

The wind whistled by me with a chilling effect, causing me to shiver, while the long untamed grass and bushes irritated my legs as I walked by. Brushing against my bare ankles in agonising torment. Accompanying the bushes, were thorns. Which now I realise must have already done a number on my skin.

Around me, was a huge mass of trees, shadowed together with the early night making an illusion of a cage. I looked around in distress; it was not like me to go out wandering after dark. I do not even know how I got here. As I continued walking aimlessly in unknown directions, I noticed that the trees were getting tighter together. Almost as if wherever I was, I was not intended to escape.

I could tell it was sunset, a pure orange colour peaking through the trees above me. For a brief moment, I actually stopped to admire it. It was nice that there was something to provide comfort. The full blow of night would be approaching soon. Before I looked up and seen the sunset I would have thought it was night already.

However, something besides the band of trees unsettled me. Something that quickened the pace of both my walking speed, and my pulse. I could feel it deep within my bones. Something that made my heart race a thousand beats a minute. “Why did you come out here Gregory?” I taunted myself; there were a thousand more questions worth asking. Nevertheless, this one really ate at me.

Soon I had one certain conclusion. Someone was fast approaching. It was racing through the forest at an unnatural speed. Cutting through the vines and whatever blocked their way. There was more than one of them too; in fact, a group of them, and they were not too keen on a friendly greeting. I cannot remember the last time I was ever this frightened. Maybe the numerous times my father had rushed us out of our homes. Maybe the strange look he would get on his face sometimes. He would have that vacant expression that would sit on his face almost every waking moment.

I seemed to have forgotten my little sister Missy, on the day she turned 16. That VERY day, my father came stumbling in the front door yelling at us to pack our things. Telling us “They’re back again.’’ He yelled, ‘’they have found us!’’

Well today, I am 18, an age I have scorned since my 17th, my 16th, and so on...

Suddenly I felt as if I were being jerked around like a rag doll. I must have lost thought while I was reminiscing my past. Only to see a large group of people standing around me in an absolute complete circle. Some were handling a weapon, obviously out of their own kitchen, and some, with torches. I felt fear grip me hard and I started to cry a bit. A single tear of pain rolling down my cheek. I must have been so distracted; I did not notice that my legs were scratched from knee-to-toe.

Dry blood crusted on the bottom of my jeans. I screamed in pain, the loud echo filling everywhere around me. For a second the people backed away in shock. Pointing their weapons closer to my bare throat. “What do you want from me?” I cried, my father always said it was not proper for a grown man to cry in public. But this was just too much to bear.

The people moved aside a bit, but only enough for a man to come through. A tall, muscular man that I was not too excited to mess with.

“You are a danger; we must be rid of you.” He replied. He sounded confident, but I could tell he was UN eased. He probably did not have a choice whether or not he would kill me. “Now, you will DIE!’’ The man placed his knife against my throat. The pressure was hurting me so much that I wanted to break down in tears. But another man held my head in place.

“The only danger around here is YOU people!” I screamed with rage, so many mixed emotions were filling my head that I lost it. I have committed no crime, and certainly no criminal offense to the law. I have been a good citizen; however, we were probably running too much for them to notice our behaviours.

I screamed in pain as I felt the knife dig further into my flesh, a shrill howl of pure agony echoing out into the distance, awakening almost every animal in the forest. I wanted desperately to release myself from his grasp, so then I could release all of my adrenalin by bolting deep into the trees. I would probably make it what? 100 yards, give or take. Slowly I would be trapped like a rabbit by a hungry wolf for his lunch. At least then, I could perish with the remainder of my dignity.

Drops of blood were seeping out of my broken skin. I could not bare much more of this torture. Why were they being so slow about it? Why couldn’t they just end my life and get it over with? I managed to notice though, that the people were wearing rubber gloves, an

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10 ANSWERS


  1. The first sentence has an unnecessary comma (first thing I noticed). You do what novice writers do. Use words that most not heard of to describe something. Have you ever really used this word? The description in the beginning is pretty good, but remember, too much description will bore the reader unless it is perfected  


  2. It really is good.

  3. It is good for a 13 year old. I think you use too many words.

    The wind whistled by me with a chilling effect, causing me to shiver, while the long untamed grass and bushes irritated my legs as I walked by.

    could be

    I shivered as the wind whistled by me, and winced as the bushes tore at my legs.

    "Brushing against my bare ankles in agonising torment." is an incomplete sentence. Unless you were thrown naked into a barrel full of cacti with 3-inch thorns, then rolled downhill, plants can't be "agonising". That is too strong a word. "Torment" is pretty strong for thorns too.

    Just in general, you show the reader instead of telling them. If you are shivering in the wind, any reasonable reader will know it is a chilling wind, not a warm spring breeze. If the bushes are tearing at your legs, any reasonable reader will know you are in untamed territory, not wandering along the paths in the city rose garden.

    There should be a writer's club in your area, which would give you a chance to read your work to others, and listen as they read theirs to you. Ask your librarian or teacher. Y!A isn't a good place for long literary excerpts or criticism.

  4. btw ur writing skills r awesome look there 8is a site u should check out and i think ull really like it

    mibba.com

  5. you're 13 and going to high school?! jeez, smarty pants.

    other than that, i love it! i wanna read more...MORE I TELL YOU. sorry i had a moment. ok all good. there's this website called Quizilla where you can publish stories and let others on the website read. you should join so others can read your stories. you can get a lot of feedback (or criticism for the good) about it. if you do join, come find me! My name is Calcutie.

    and ignore the dude above me. it sounds fine. it's just like what any professional would write. very descriptive, which is good!

  6. when you write more email it to me because that is one of the best things ive ever read besides twilight its funny and thrilling at the same time good job and keep on writing

  7. that's really amazing. You have a real gift with words. If you are looking to get published, there are a few contests a year, i believe, with PUSH publishing company. I tried it once, it's not easy, but still, what I have read of your novel is much better than anything I've written. The books published are sold in stores like Borders and Barns & Noble, as well has independant shops and sites. Two of the more known books published by young, new authors are Cut and Born Confused. Here is the link, I hope it helps. Good luck!

    http://www.thisispush.com/index.htm

  8. sounds quotidian

    Btw, what do you think of this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUSv8Qmx9...

  9. Wow i would sooo read it if it was a book!

  10. Its pretty good actually.

    I like it. Keep writing.

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