What do you think of when an AP says "our" birthmother?

Question

For me personally, I get a little irk, like, shes not "yours" she wasn't there to provide YOU a service and it kind of bothers me.

I was curious of others opinions on it. Got any?

Answer 1

It screams possession, ownership, and caste.  But it's acurate, I suppose. :-(

Answer 2

I don't know if it will make a difference to have an adoptive mothers point of view.  I have always referred to our boys birthmother as "our birthmother" or "my birthmother".  It is not because I think she provided me a service, it is because I love and respect her.  She gave my children life and she put the needs of her children before her own desires.

Answer 3

Hi Gersh,

Thanks for asking this question.  I was just thinking of this the other day and was going to ask it too.

Aside from the word "birthmother" being offensive, it's the whole idea that she is anyone else's mother than the baby's.  She is not.  In fact, she is usually much younger than the PAP's.  

Everytime I hear that, I feel like saying "Your birthmother?  You mean YOU are adopted, too?"

I share your irky feelings on it.  I heard one PAP complain that "Three of OUR birthmothers had flaked out on us & kept their babies," as if they own that mother or it's wrong for her to parent her own child!  It must be how they have heard the social workers refer to an expectant mother (their target) who has not signed relinquishment papers yet and might not.  Isn't it also interesting how they never say "our natural mother" or "our first mother?"  It's always "our birthmother" as if it's straight from the adoption agency's handbook, & her only  purpose must be to give birth.  And we don't hear anything about "our natural fathers," "our first fathers" or "our natural families," do we?

Terminology should be corrected to say "The child's mother changed her mind and decided to parent her child." or in an adoptive parent's case: "Our son's natural (or first mother) visits every month..." or "Our daughter's natural mother wrote us a letter..." Or even her first name is preferable "Jane ... blah blah blah" instead of "OUR birthmother..."  It's more respectful.  Most who use "Our birthmother" probably do not know they are offending anyone, & would change it if they knew.  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

But she isn't an adoptive parent's "birth mother".

She is the child's "birth mother".  Period.

To refer to her as the aparents' bmom is delusional and more importantly demeaning.  It reeks of ownership and entitlement.

The "birthmother " is not calling the adoptive parents HER adoptive parents because they didn't adopt her, they adopted her child. They are her child's adoptive parents.  Period.

Mutual respect is important in an adoptive relationship.

Answer 5

I don't say that.  My son's birthmother is his not mine.  

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Oh, to answer your question, I don't like saying "our" birthmother unless its siblings talking about THEIR birthmother.

Answer 6

I feel just like one of the family.

Answer 7

I have never referred to my children's birth mother , as "our" or "my" birth mother- When we talk about them, I say, there names or "your birth mom"- I cannot understand why an AP would call her "ours".  I am adopted as well, and my birthmom is my birthmom period.

Answer 8

who is AP?

Answer 9

personally.. to ME..I think it sounds strange,

But as I do  not know the person whose mouth it is coming out of.. I do  not try to guess the reasons they have chosen to use that phrase.. there could be some real noble thinking behind it, and it just never occurred to them that some would find it offensive.. just like it never occured to ME that if I said I was infertile and would like to adopt some day to have a family, that it would "reek of entitlement" to overly sensitive people who try to second-guess my motives and what I am going through.. but oh well...

Maybe they need it explained to them that others find this offensive, and why.. nothing wrong with that.. but to say that (before this is explained to them) they feel "ownership" or "entitled" as some answerers  have done  here... is a very ignorant thing to do.. it's ALWAYS ignorant to try to assume you know what anyone else is thinking.. .

BTW.. if I give something to someone else, and willfully choose to give something up.. I don't feel as I've LOST it.. it wasn't forcefully taken from me, or accidentally misplaced.. it was my CHOICE... I wouldn't feel like a victim... This is 2008.. few adoptions now days are forced or coerced... the BSE is NOT still going on.. not like  it was.. I think some of you guys are stuck  in the BSE.. welcome to 2008

sorry I'm in a snarky mood today..

Answer 10

Makes me think of the book

"Handmaid's Tale"    by Margaret Atwood

The book is excellent!  The move is so so....but you will get the gist if you just want a quick preview.

Answer 11

to be honest, i have to refrain from some sarcastic remark about how 'they' fit in that little womb.

i think the intentions are good-usually. they want to associate themselves with the WHOLE process. but thats just impossible.

Answer 12

it sounds like a sense of entitlement and ownership.

it's offensive to me.  they do not own her.

Answer 13

Well, I never ran into that issue.  I think common sense would say that it would make no sense for an AP to claim their adoptive child's bparent as their own.

Just like with my daughter..it irritates the shiznits out of me when my mil talks to my daughter & says, "how is MY baby?"...get it right!  She's learning, catching herself & correcting herself, "how my ba...my grandbaby doing?"...

Answer 14

How absurd

I cant imagine WHY on earth a grown person would say "our birtmother" in regards to a childs mother who gave birth to the child...

It doesnt even make sense to me why or how it even came about.

If they refer to her ,as in the AP's refer to the Birth mother for a reason because of open adoption or something then why not say MaryJane

After all she does HAVE A NAME

And if the name is not known then why not say the "childs (name)mother who gave birth to her/him"OR even the "childs (name) birthmother"

Answer 15

Hmmmm, I think it would be interesting to know how adoptive parents would feel if the "birthmother" was talking to her child and used the phrase "our adoptive mother." Somehow I think some panties would get in a twist.

She's MY (cough cough) "birth" mother - not my adoptive mothers mother - please.

Answer 16

It sounds like slavery to my ears.  "We bought your a$$ so deliver the goods."  It is extremely condescending and smacks of ownership and feelings of superiority.

I know that some APs say that it is a term of endearment, but slave owners used to say the same thing because, in their view, slaves were like children who needed needed a "master" to look up to.

I know that my feelings are way over the top blunt but that is what my ears hear when I hear "our" birthmother.

Please read:

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

ETA - Thanks, Mom5grlz.  Awesome comment.  APs are victims of agencies too!

Answer 17

I loathe the term. I remember when I was pregnant and they asked what I wanted to be called, "birth or biological mom"? I think I chose birth because I didn't know any other terms. IT FELT HORRIBLE. In the back of my low-self esteemed mind, I thought, "I'm a mom..." It never felt right. Like I was born to the wrong name. Then MUCH TO MY RELIEF, I heard the terms first / natural mom. WOW. That felt SOOOOO much better. It made me feel validated. It didn't ease the pain of all the lies and pain of relinquishment, but at least my title was right. Imagine going to your very own child's funeral and someone keeps referring to you as your child's "birth / biological" mom....

I know when some are saying "birth / biological" mom it's  because they don't know any different, or they really mean it in the kindest way. Heck, if I didn't know what the right word was for me, I don't expect PAP's or AP's to know any better. They only know what they are told to say by the billion dollar money makers.

Now, I believe there are some who have heard, "PLEASE DON'T CALL ME BIRTH / BIOLOGICAL MOM", but continue.... I don't know why.....

I think most people try to do the right thing. Some are just learning new verbage and understand adoption better. I guess it just takes time.

"Lauren's" first mom

Sam's mom

Answer 18

You know, I was just thinking about that this morning.  I'm not even an adoptee, and it bugs me.  

Oh, but that's probably because I can't think for myself.  I forgot about that.  LOL  (Sorry, little dig at my crazy stalker there...couldn't help it.)

Maybe AP's could take a hint *wink, wink* that this is offensive and STOP.  We'll see.

Answer 19

I can't stand it.

She's my mother - not my a-parents mother.

Those adoption agencies are doing such a fine job brain-washing people - aren't they??

ICK.

Answer 20

I get extremely irked by it.

I am my daughters mother.

I am not nor will I ever be their birthmom.

"our birthmom" is just a slam on me and my relationship with my daughter.  It is just another word to make me feel inferior in this "relationship".

Answer 21

I find it demeaning, possessive and "classist."  It grates on me like fingernails on a chalkboard.  It's incredibly disrespectful.

Answer 22

I understand your point as an adoptee.  I have never referred to our son's birth parents as "our" birthparents (but that may be because of the situation he came from).  However, we are blessed to have a wonderful relationship with our son's bio grandparents and I do not hesitate to consider them a part of our extended family.  I obviously don't call them our grandparents, but I do call them "our family".  I wonder now if that is considered offensive to some people.  It isn't meant to be because we truly do consider them our family, even though technically they aren't "our" (meaning my husband & my) family.

Answer 23

myself, as an adoptive mother, would like to know what would be a good "term" to refer to my sons mother  and father from he was "conceived" from?  it just seems there is always somebody who doesn't like different terms. Our sw suggested birthmom and birthdad and they were the natural parents from birth. I mean no disrespect, I would just like to know what would be correct.

Answer 24

I have always used the term our birthmother.  Its not the way you are making it sound.  It is more of a title like aunt or uncle.  When we talk about her with my 3 year old, we call her birthmother Jen.  Just like we do Uncle Brian etc.

Answer 25

What drives me crazy more than that is referring to anyone as a birthmother when they are pregnant, or at anytime before they've signed anything.  They are the mother, period. No one else is the mother.

We learn it from our agencies/facilitators. I think a lot of people use it as shorthand instead of saying "the woman who is our child's mother." Doesn't make it any less offensive to anyone, but I don't think that most people use the phrase as a sign of ownership. They just don't think about the fact that anyone would find it offensive.

For what it's worth, I have spoken to three birthmothers who have referred to APs as "my APs."  This was both through someone I know personally (friend of a very good friend who was very generous and offered to talk to me about her experience when she heard we were looking into adoption) and two of the birthmothers we spoke with through our agency.

Answer 26

We are taught this at the adoption agency.  If i'm still doing it sorry.  Making a serious effort not to do it anymore.  If you've notice trying not to use "birth" mother too.  Try not to do anymore slips:)