Question:

What do you think? (only very small part of chapter) Good detail?

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike

My brain a confused mess, I took a few steps, ignoring the fighting all around me. Mercifully, no other soldiers attacked me. I took a deep breath, the smell of vomit, blood, dirt and smoke overflowing all my senses, making me wanted to throw up. I stumbled again and nearly fell. Exhaust gnawed at every part of my body- I felt like I had been walking barefoot and naked through a scorching desert of coal. My arms were heavy from holding my sword, and my legs were sore and swollen. My throat was dry and I desperately needed water. Every step I took drained more and more of my energy and eventually I fell to my knees, exhausted. Just a little rest, I told myself. Remembering what Tangar had told me, I listened to the pound of my heart, taking whatever calm I could from its rhythmic beat. But upon hearing the rumble of thunder I look up at the sky instinctively. Dark clouds gathered overhead and mercifully it had begun to lightly rain. I opened my mouth to the sky, taking in as much water as I could. But eventually the rain stopped and I was forced to turn back to the fighting. It was surprise in itself that I had not been killed yet. It seemed that luck was on my side. All around me men were fighting men, screams and the ring of swords clashing together echoing in my ears. A lake of blood covered the ground and corpses had begun to pile up and litter the battleground. Crops lay trampled on the ground, amidst blood, bones and flesh. And it was hard to believe that this had once been a peaceful place for growing food. Looking around I could almost count more swords than there were stars. I knew that I had to find a weapon- Without one I had no chance of coming out of this battle alive. Suddenly I remembered Fate- my faithful sword, the only inheritance I had from my dead father. It was the only item I had of possession and I was determined not lose it. Thinking of the sword seemed to plunge me into a slumber. My senses slowed, and my eyes began to water. My breathing ragged and suddenly nothing but the sword filled my thoughts. The sun had begun to fade behind the distant mountains. Darkness would soon set it.

 Tags:

   Report

4 ANSWERS


  1. Very good detail xD It seems really interesting.

    But you need paragraphs.


  2. Apart from what Cal said about paragraphs, I think that's great. 2 thumbs up :) Great description of the setting, very good use of language. I can actually picture myself at the scene. Well done :)

  3. I like it.  I didn't feel like I was reading, it felt like I was pulled in to the story.  Good writing  

  4. I agree with Cal.  Your story looks like one giant paragraph and not many people will even try to tackle reading it.

    I gave up half way.  Not only because it's tiring on the eyes, but also because the story goes nowhere.

    It sounds like just descriptions and metaphors.

    What is the point of your story?

    Take away all the descriptive metaphors and when you get the bare bones, see if you still have an interesting story going.

    A good story should be able to hook a reader without the 'cobwebs'.

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 4 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.