What do you think? please be brutally honest!?

Question

I finished one of my acceptance essays and my whole future depends on these!

please be as honest as possible, really i dont mind, please let me know whatever i need to correct or change or add, PLEASE! thank you!!

Essay B Prompt-

"Choose an issue of importance to you – the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope – and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation."

Life is for Living

With all the world has to offer, you would think people would take more advantage of all its endless possibilities. Yet, there are still some who just sit back and let life pass them by. With technology growing at a rapid pace, there is no wonder why people of our generation are becoming more and more dependent on technology. Many people today are lazier than they should be, always waiting for something to happen, rather than making something happen. With the world at your fingertips, why wouldn’t you want to make every day count?

If your passion is traveling, then what is stopping you? If your dream is to own your own shop, then why the wait? I am sure many people can think of a number of excusable answers to these questions, but they would just simply be excuses. Our generation has become experts at making excuses for ourselves. It seems the only way to solve this problem is by curing what everyone seems to have these days, a bad case of laziness; it’s becoming an epidemic. You can make up as many excuses as you like as to why you cannot do this or to why you cannot do that, but your only cheating yourself. You can sit on the couch all day or stay at your deadening job for as long as you would like but just remember, you only get one chance to live so make the best of it. Technology plays an important role in corrupting our society. Though, yes, it has also played a heavy role in improving our lives, you cannot ignore the fact that technology has made a great contribution to the corrupted, materialistic world we live in today. It seems to be a bittersweet relationship. As a result, more and more people have become too lazy to follow their dreams. You only have one life, why not make it worthwhile? It saddens me to see people taking life for granted by wasting their life away when they have the whole world in front of them. Some less fortunate would give anything to live a normal, healthy life, yet there are plenty of healthy people who take what good fortune they have for granted. One of my good friends never wasted a minute of her life. She taught me to live my life to fullest and never hold back from anything I wanted to do. She unfortunately passed away in a car accident in 2007 but in some strange way, it helped ease the pain knowing that she did more in her 17 years of life than any grown person has done in their lifetime. No matter where she was, she made the best of things and always followed her dreams. She helped me see how lucky I am to be alive and how everyone should make every moment count.

I am proud of what I have accomplished so far in my life. I have tried my best to live my life to fullest and I have learned how to accomplish my dreams through hard work and perseverance. My true passion is to travel and I did not want to wait until I was out on my own to start seeing the world, so I did something about it. In the summer of 2007, I went with my art class to Italy for ten days and had one of the best experiences of my life. What made the trip even more worthwhile was that I had to work two jobs that year just to save up enough money to pay for the entire trip myself. The trip to Italy meant more to me because it was something I had worked hard for and something that just made my life more meaningful. Our world is a beautiful place and I wanted to give something back to my community. I recently started volunteering at an assisted living home in my town. It really gave me a sense of accomplishment knowing that I am not just taking from society but I am giving to it also. I want to make something out of my life. I want to be a successful engineer and I want to graduate from Texas A&M and I will do so because I know what hard work is and I will work as hard as I need to, to be able to be called an aggie.

Though there are some who rely on technology and some who have just become lazy from our society, they can change the way they live and make something of themselves. You always have the chance to start over and to fulfill your destiny in life. You only have one life to live, why not make the best of it and live it to the fullest.

Answer 1

If I were you, I would cut down most of the first half of your essay. Then you can expand more on the really important parts. Right now you have:

1. People have become lazy because of technology.

This part takes up nearly 1/2 of your essay, but it doesn't add much. You never really, truly explain how technology has made people lazy and isolated or why that's a major issue to you in any concrete way. Instead, you make sort of clichéd statements about seizing the moment, and it gets kind of repetitive. Either cut most of it out or shave off the clichés and make it real. Either way, it needs to be shorter to make room for the other, more important parts of your essay.

2. How your friend inspired you.

This is better because it's personal. You could add a bit more here... maybe an example of something your friend did that was inspirational. And make sure it fits into the question.

3. Your trip to Italy.

Great--you show that you're curious about the world and that you've worked hard to go out and see some of it. You could add more about what that trip taught you. Be specific. Tell a story.

4. Your volunteer work

OK, good to mention, but it seems kind of thrown in. Yes, you want to give back to the community, but what does this have to do with your trip to Italy, and what to do with the overall theme of living life to the fullest? Fill this out with specifics (for example, why the assisted living home? What did you learn there? Any inspirational stories?) and connect it to the heart of your essay.

5. Your goals

Again, important. But again, they should tie into the rest of what you've been talking about. What does being an engineer have to do with learning about the world and giving back to the community? What does it have to do with technology? Obviously it has a lot to do with all of the above, but you don't make the link. Make it all come together and answer the question. You can do it.

Good luck!

Answer 2

honestly its not that great. This is definitely not top tier college level work, maybe community college or state university level.

Texas A&M is really not that hard to get into so you probably don't have to worry too much.

If you GPA is above 3.2 and your SAT score above 1680 then you are pretty much guaranteed entrance.

Answer 3

I think it is great, and very inspiring, and I feel the same way you do.  Go after you dreams with passion!

You need to condense the essay. It is on the edge of rambling.

Good Luck, they would be lucky to have you!

Answer 4

Couple things dont use grown person, say adult or elder. Second get a bit more into engineering and what part of it you'd like to specialize. Good luck

Answer 5

good essay!!!  everything is so so so true!!  I bet your trip to Italy was awesome.  Keep on traveling through out your time in college, those are trips that you will never have the chance to do again.  Only one thing i see a problem with...you are going to A&M!  lol....sorry...can you guess where my loyalties are?