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What do you think so far? Just a quick thing i whipped up...?

by  |  earlier

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Monday

Wahoo! Monday, My least favorite day of the week. Monday means a new week, a new week of suffering, a new week in which my problems just seem to grow. I hate Mondays.

I was sitting alone, in my room. It seemed lately I was always alone. My parents were rich and loving, they would do anything for me, but they didn’t understand how I felt. They were always to busy with work to go on the vacations we used to go on, as a family. Now they just sent me alone.

“Madeline! You are going to be late!” I heard my mother yell from the kitchen. Nobody ever used my whole name unless I was in big trouble. But Gina always used it. She after all gave me that name. I hated it. It didn’t fit me. It suited someone who played tennis or volleyball.

“ I’m going, mother!” I yelled back, as I grabbed my bag. I took one last look in the mirror. The same as always, my short, dark brown hair curled at the ends, my gray eyes looked dead, and the whiteness of my skin was extreme. I looked like a cadaver. It was probably worse because of the darkness of my hair.

I walked past Gina and out the front door. She must be headed to the diner. Yes, she was in charge of the diner. She also did some writing with her free time. She had three books published and was working on the fourth. My father, was an attorney, he was never home.

I hated school; all the kids came from rich families. They were s****. and had rock star fathers or model mothers.

I was thinking about what life would be like if I was from a normal low class family, as I got into my car. It was a Porsche. My father insisted I have a fast, classy car. Everyone at school had nice cars, or almost everyone.

I walked to my first class just as the bell rang. As I pulled out my Advanced Spanish book, the teacher, Mr. Zapata, walked in.

“Hoy vamos a traducir cinco lineas,” he said, turning to the chalkboard. I opened to a fresh page and started to rewrite the lines in English.

It was lunch. I went to buy my gross cafeteria food. I walked to an empty table and sat down, I had no real friends. I was fine with that. In fact I didn’t relate well to people my age. Or people at all. Maybe I wasn’t human…I pulled out my notebook and opened to a new page. The page was one I tried to do my last math assignment on. I scribbled out the partially finished math problems. I began to write.

When I think,

Somehow it reminds me of you,

You promised me you would never,

Hurt me-

The poem didn’t have the right feel. I ripped it out and threw it into the nearest trashcan. Right as I threw it some jock kid went to throw his lunch away. The crunched up piece of paper landed right on his tray. I gasped and turned away trying to act like I didn’t do anything. Most likely they would suspect me. I was the only one at this school who wrote during their spare time that was if he didn’t open it. Please don’t open it. Please don’t. No such luck.

The kid looked at the piece of paper. He must have seen some handwriting because he opened it. I wanted to scream, to yell stop. I didn’t want anyone to read it. He looked around until his eyes landed on me. Great now I’m screwed. It’ll end up it the school newspaper tomorrow morning. Everyone will read my badly written, unfinished poetry.

Ya its long I wanted some comeback.

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3 ANSWERS


  1. i would read the book, you should write more. it was really good, elaborate more on her parents, her dad especially relationship wise. find somwhere to encorporate age or grade.


  2. needs more detail but good =D im actually writing a novel right now. I'm 13 and a very good writer. tell you what, give me a subject and i can make a little bit like u did and u could tell me what u think

  3. Well, first of all, I think it is GREAT that you want to write!  I feel that you have a lot of potential.  I think though that just as a basic foundation, you should pay more attention to your grammar and punctuation.  Most people who read for enjoyment are smart enough to catch errors, and it's very distracting for there to be blaring typos, or incorrect tenses, etc.  But if you should ever be so fortunate to publish a book, then I'm sure you will be well beyond those errors.  A publisher wouldn't even get past the first sentence if you have these types of errors!  Just like a beautiful house has a great foundation, so does a wonderful book!  Also (and I am not an editor) I would suggest that you don't need to put in soooo much detail; let the reader want to keep reading, and add detail little by little. You want to elaborate on things as you go on with your story.  This keeps the reader turning the pages!  Don't give everything away immediately, in other words.  And less detail in general; more words does not equal good writing.  Don't use slang, either, unless you spell it correctly or in its commonly accepted spelling; as in "Ya".  This should be spelled "Yeah".  Use quotation marks around conversations (as in I wanted to scream, to yell "stop".) It makes more impact and helps the reader follow the story much more readily.  

    But keep at it!  You seem to have a lot of fun doing it, and your story line seems interesting. Don't follow someone else's style of writing...develop your own using a great foundation of excellent grammar, etc.  You can take liberties with a lot of other stuff if the reader isn't distracted by poor composition. Good Luck and again, I think it's great you want to write...heck...that you are already writing!!

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