What do you think your adoptive parents could have done differently?

Question

What did your adoptive parents do wrong?

What did they do right?

Answer 1

OK, I don't know if this applies to you, but my adoptive parents are white... and I'm not. Not really. I'm Native American and Portuguese. We don't know how much Native American but we think a lot. Alright, let me get to the important part.

Wrong: Not embracing my culture. They attempted to make me into the perfect little white, when that is not who I was born. No effort was ever put forward to help me see MY culture. Sure, I know that my afamily is Irish, English, and German. I know the foods and tradtitions of those cultures. I learned nothing (from them) about my people. Not even the basics.

Wrong: I was chastized for saying that I am not white. I started college this fall and am forever getting in trouble for checking the "other" box on forms and surveys and such. Dispite how I feel, they believe that I should be considered Caucasion. If I hear, "Sorry to break it to you, but you're Caucasion," one more bloody time...

Wrong: Leaving me any room to doubt how much they loved me. So many times I felt that I received harsher punishments than my brother, for the same offenses , simply because I'm not one of the "real" children. There were always more pressures on me than the other two, more responsibilies. At least, thats the way I felt. I'm sure aparents feel differently.

Right: Telling me that I was adopted as soon as they could. I've always known, and that's important to me, because being adopted is part of my identity.

Wrong: Not being able to answer my questions when I began to question my adoption. That whole "She loved you so much..." started to loose its credit with me and thats all they had. I know they don't know the true reasons I was given way, but for goodness sake, think of something! When I couldn't find any other explaination, I began to think the worst and I'm still struggling with that hurt. Don't let your child believe that their bmom hated them or that they ruined bmoms life or that it was too late for bmom to get abortion. If you ever need to lie to your child, this is the time.

Wrong: not seeing how much I was hurting because of the above wrong. Your child is never too old to have his/her tears wiped. Watch for signs of adoption depression and help your child deal with it. I know several other adopted teens who had these same feelings. It developed for me around age 12, that age range for the other kids too. Don't let your child cry alone at night, it'l just hurt them worse in the long range.

Wrong Wrong Wrong: Not being willing to help me search for my birth family. I can't even begin to descibe how much this one hurts. When you adopt a child, you have to be ready for the day that your child will want to find their birth family. You can't just turn around and say "no i won't do it." Especially when your child is old enough to legally search for the bfamily. WE NEED SUPPORT.

I hope you'll find my input helpful, at least a little bit. My parents did plently of things right, I just didn't think it counted unless it was specifically related to my adoption. The things they did right are things every parent should do- biological children or not. You know, stuff like feeding your kids, keeping them clothed and clean. Picking them up when hey fall, stuff like that.

Answer 2

Wrong:  My adoptive parents never spoke to me about my adoption or my birthfamily or my feelings/their feelings about adoption.  Strangely enough, they made sure to tell everyone they met that I was their "adoptive" daughter.

Right:  My parents?  I'll have to think about that.  Other adoptive parents:  TALK about adoption.  Acknowledge that an adoptive child has been separated from her mother, her family, her heritage, her identity.  Love her for who she is.

Answer 3

I think my aparents did a lot of things right when it came to my adoption.

They got my records, and respected the fact that I had another family.

Answer 4

sometimes giving the baby up for adoption is the best thing to do. children may not feel like they are loved but if a mother loves her child then enough to give her child a fighting chance and a better life in this world then you maybe more loved then if she kept you if shes wasn't able to take care of you.. the biggest mistake mothers can do is get an abortion and for that they should rot in jail with all the other murders. the biggest mistake for a mother to do when she adopts a child out is not putting her contact or personal information down so if one day the child decides he or she would like to meet their biological mother.

Answer 5

My aparents should never have adopted (three times!). Both suffered mental illness and addiction issues. Even my amother said it was good they didnt have "real" children.

Answer 6

Right - loving me and making me a complete part of their family - not just the adopted child.

Wrong - not allowing me to question and talk about my origins.

My a-mother was scared of my first family - but really - she should have embraced them - and encouraged search and reunion.

For me - it was hard enough to work out that I wanted and NEEDED to know about where I came from - without the guilt that my a-parents and society placed on me for wanting to know something that all real kids are allowed to know.

Right - they told me I was adopted from as young as I can remember.

Wrong - being told I'm special and chosen. Because - if I was special - then why did my mother give me up? (I know the answer to this now - but as a child - it caused GREAT confusion in my head). It also implies that I should forever be thankful and grateful for them choosing me.

HUH??

Do non-adopted people have to constantly thank their parents for giving birth to them????

Somehow - I really don't think so.

Sad really.

Edit to add - This question has been posted to adoptees - obviously - so why do adoptive parents feel the need to say what they think they are doing right??

Answer 7

wrong: Adopting a child in the first place.  I couldn't possibly fill the infertility hole my amother had.  Aparents should have that resolved BEFORE they adopt, or just remain childless--what is so wrong with that?

Wrong: Not SEEING me as an individual.  They couldn't seem to see that I was/am very different than they are.  And why wouldn't I be?  I'm not related to them.  My interests were never seen as important.

Wrong: Not having respect for my origins/biological family.  Just never mentioned.  I came to them hard-wired as an infant,  seemingly a blank-slate.  I wish that they could have known that nature is far stronger than nurture.

Right: They were good 'custodial' parents.  I was clean, well fed, and had good medical care.

Answer 8

Do you mean in reagards to the adoption?  Well, I think my parents did everything 'right' in that sense.  I always knew why I had been adopted (from the foster system), I always knew why I had been taken from my birth parents (my parents never sugar coated nor embellished my birth mother's problems), and I always knew that I was WANTED, just the way I was by my parents and family.

I was adopted as a reasonably troubled 7 year old, and I can honestly say that in my case, my life was very literally saved by my parents.  Had they not had the unconditional love, the time, the patience, and the unending determination to help me through my troubles, and find the person that I was, my life would be a very different story.  However, I was never made to feel grateful to my parents, just to understand that they would always be there for me no matter what.

As a teenager, they were my rock when my birth mother sought me out, and I was terrified that I would 'inherit' her mistakes, and go down the same destructive path that she followed.  My parents taught me that nurture has the ultimate power over nature, and that I was my very own person. They shaped to be a good and productive person, and I was able to understand and forgive my birth mother for her failings.

My parents made mistakes, as all parents do, but I can't think of anything they really did 'wrong'.

Answer 9

I think adoptive parents should be honest and tell the children and I think they should have a picture of the birth parents for the kids to see at some point. Because of  the birth parents we became parents