What do you wish you would have known before adopting?

Question

Were you informed of losses your child would feel, and prepared? Did you have adequate medical information?

What do you think most PAP's spend too little time researching?

Answer 1

We had already had and raised two children and there were very few surprises when we adopted a slightly older child as our third.

Our "new daughter" is Hispanic ancestry and we've had some interesting discussions with the school district administrators who can't believe that she isn't qualified for subsidized breakfasts and lunches. "Profiling" really does exist.

Other than that, she's just a wonderful little daughter and in the past two years has added immensely to our lives. We have had her in counseling with a Spanish speaking counselor who eventually [after about 2 months of weekly visits] told her to come in when she had issues, but otherwise is transitioning just fine.

I really think that the more matter of fact you are about having a new child, the less traumatic or dramatic it all is.

Answer 2

Good question.  I think I was prepared fairly well, although I could have been prepared better.  We had a thorough home study with a pretty good educational component.  I don't think the education I received through the homestudy prepared me enough, but I think it at least gave me an awareness of many of the issues to prepare myself for.  The "education" that was required by my actual agency, on the other hand, was a joke and full of the same c**p spouted about adoption for years.   I don't think I was totally emotionally prepared for my daughter's initial grief at being separated from her foster family.  It was intense, and while I "understood" it and my heart went totally out to her, and I knew that it was actually a good sign for her ability to attach, I felt helpless.  She cried for 4 days, was unable to be consoled by me, she didn't eat for a whole day, she didn't have  a bowel movement for 4 days.  Even though I knew it could happen, that it was a normal reaction for a baby whose world was turned upside down, I didn't know how hard it would be and how helpless I would feel in the situation.  I don't know that anything really could have totally prepared me for it except experience.  And I will be much better prepared for however my next child responds.  

We adopted internationally and were aware that medical information is not always complete or accurate.  Our daughter had a medical special need and her medical care was good, but the information we got was not totally complete.  I think where education comes in here is that pap's need to be aware that there could be surprises medically and they must be willing to accept that.  I think I was made aware of that, or at least it was alluded to in my required education, and I made myself more explicitly aware of that through my own research.        

Ther are so many things most pap's spend too little time researching, and part of the problem is that the red tape of the adoption process doesn't allow much time or emotional energy to actually prepare for the needs of a child.  I think I'm fairly typical in that I have gained A LOT of my knowledge AFTER my daughter joined our family.  The issues have just over time, and still continue to, become much more real to me and I continue to become more invested in learning anything I can about adoption issues and meeting the needs of adopted children.