What does Islam say about a controlling husband?

Question

I am a new convert. I'm slowly getting used to all the different changes I have to make in order to be a Muslimah. Yesterday, I was so hot, I took off my shirt to reveal my tanktop like 2 seconds before stepping inside the house, and my husband got mad about this.

He said I was being hypocritical and someone could have saw me and was calling me dumb. His harsh words really hurt me, and I tried to tell him that he was being controlling. This isn't the first time he has called me names. I don't know what to do.

Answer 1

just tell him that he hurt you that you dont be called by names other your name cause i see that is the problem he was able to say just dont do that agin but he prefer to add words to hurt than to give you simple advice any how talk with him about the words he say and tell him to make u understand and give you time to know and act as one know thats all

i see the problem here the way he act not the way you act and i think you take it as he control you from the way he talk just talk with him simply at a time he can hear you and ask him to dont do that again in the same time dont yall on him dont shout dont raise your voice do i got what i mean i dont want any one to see you in fault and treat him as you want to be treated

may be he say it that way because as you say it was very hot i mean the weather make him feel angry as we all sometime feel any how try to find a way to talk without fixing problems with others  

Answer 2

This is a very standard cultural difference within the muslim community.  There are many things about Islam that I respect, but this is not one of them.  If you stay with him, you can expect to be treated in this manner for the duration of your marriage.  Are you converting because you really believe in the Islamic way or are you doing it to appease your husband?  Spirituality should never be compromised - you should believe what you really believe, not believe what someone is making (or emotionally blackmailing) you to believe.

Edit:  I don't think anyone is accusing you of anything, so no need to be so defensive.  People often change religions for marriage and it's fairly acceptable to a lot of people and many people don't have a problem with it.  Except you are accusing your husband of being "controlling" and it would lead people that don't know you to be believe he may have pressure you.  Happens all the time.  We don't know you.  But a woman who would allow her husband to talk the way yours did (and have to ask strangers whether it was ok) doesn't say you really know your own mind.

Answer 3

prophet Muhammad (S) was gentle and easy with those who don't know, and also gentle with those who are struggling. he should talked to you in more approaching way. however, if it was for only two seconds, then why not wait until you enter the house and then take your shirt off? these are just normal argument between a wife and a husband, no big deal.  

Answer 4

Oh boy, can i ask how old you are, how long u've been married, what is ur nationality & what was your religion b4 converting?

I'm not judging you here i am trying to get a better picture so i can answer your question properly.

A woman who works with me recently experienced the same problems.

Answer 5

our prophet Mohammed (Peace be upon him) says in arabic:

"رفقا بالقوارير"

which means be gentle with your wife as she is as soft and tender as glass.

To answer your question what you are asking about is called "kawama" which doesnt mean to control his wife, but means to take the full responsibilty to provide and comply to his wife needs and wants, on the financial and the pscychological level as well. and his wife in return (or not in return) should agree to his needs and wants too. this doesnt mean to control her or to be submissive. the point is to be compatible to each other way of life, and how much you share the same values on different levels. and so life will be more integrating in nature not confrontational because of mutual warm love feelings and mutual understanding of each other. because we feel better when you make your spouse happy.

marriage is not a relationship of confrontation, it is an intimate relationship which is considered a source of happiness, calmness, and loving intimation feelings.

"ومن آياته أن خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجاً لتسكنوا إليها وجعل بينكم مودة ورحمة إن في ذلك لآيات لقوم يتفكرون"

(الروم: 21)

in this sense what you are facing with your husband is not religious in nature, as it is personally related to your both characters and attitude.

you have to reconnect with your husband in a more personal way, and understand what makes him made and what things makes him feel happy. try to recover the situation by not blaming him for it, (because honestly your behavior was not appropriate whether you were muslima or not)

afterall if you still can not connect to each other then you must re-consider this relationship and talk with him honestly about your fears and thoughts.

Answer 6

About this problem..

Learn from the mistake...

Just this i can say's.

What your husband do is true.

He said like thats cuz he take care of you as a responsible husband..

[sorry if i make you angry or else]

Answer 7

I bet your crazy husband convinced you to convert.

Muslims are insane

Answer 8

first, i must congratulate you and welcome you to Islam.

2nd , i would call his reaction , being responsible as a husband .

we are here very sensitive of the opinion of others .

he felt that if anyone saw you , they would gossip and question how he allows his wife to take off her shirt and reveal i dont know what.

these fears are unconscious .

he is protective and responsible and wants you to be perfect in the eyes of everyone .

it is a clash of cultures that took place without either of you being prepared .

approach him quietly and  peacefully .

ask him to be gentle with you till you learn everything about the new religion and the culture .

you are a sensitive girl , and he is also sensitive .

dont hurt each other for a moment's clash of cultures .

GOOD LUCK>

Answer 9

Reported Saying, Hadith’s by Prophet Mohammad (p.b.u.h.):

“Do treat your women well and be kind to them, for they are your partners and committed helpers.”

Dear- this question has no basis in Islam- it is nothing to do with either the religion of yourself or your husband- it has to do with the following:

your own history separately

your history together

Why would he feel insecure as an individual (not as anyone from any faith)

your ages and level of maturity in your relationship

Hence Islam is very about the protection of women and culturally he will express what he knows, that is he perhaps is being over zealous at times- but give it time, be patient so that love, trust, communication and understanding grows- but remember this is not an Islamic issue as some who would see your question maybe interpreted it as that.

If you want to understand Islam more and your husband- then try to read and get involved with other Muslims. Try to travel and try also to research things. Think by asking questions like this and not researching for yourself in non- so public places that your children you may have already or perhaps in the future as Muslims, may suffer from Islamophobia from others that may think your son would be controlling because hes Muslim - I hope you get what I mean by that and Ive explained it well enough

Wishing you all the best

@serendipity bravo great answer

Answer 10

Asalaam Alaikum WRWB sister.....

Welcome to Islam...please know that Islam and the Propht (PBUH) teach tendernes and understanding towards women. It is Hadith that our Prophet (PBUH) said that the best among his followers were the ones kindest to their wives. Not all Muslim men are controling or use bad language with wives....you must learn to sepperate cultural differences from religious ones..know what I mean? But also there are many kind, gentle arabic men.....and your husband is human...he overreacted because he is jelous of other men...which is very typical of Egyptian men in my experience. But the name calling is not acceptable in any sittuation....demand an apollogy for this....tell him it is not Muslim to disrespect his wife in this way...tell him you will not have children with a man who displays this behaviour...will he think this acceptable if it happened to his mother or sister or daughter?

Answer 11

daughter

you made mistake but your husband OVER REACTED for sure.

I am sorry for all this, I hope your husband get the courage to say sorry as well

grandpa

Answer 12

I say break up with him.  You don't need that.

Answer 13

Welcome to your new religion. Quite a typical arab man attitude though. Enjoy your nightmare life!

Answer 14

A husband who calls his wife names (or anyone else) is not a good husband.

Is not a good Muslim.

These are NOT the teachings of Islam.

He is going against his own religion.

He is also controlling.

If he believed (in his opinion) that what you have done is wrong, he could have “discussed” this with you, in a ‘civilized’ ‘adult’ ‘Islamic’ way.

But calling you names, and treating you this way. This is not right.

He doesn’t respect you.

You deserve his respect. You deserve much better.

Do not let anyone make you believe that all Muslim men are like this. There are many ‘genuine’ gentlemen out there who are Muslims.

There are many Muslim men out there who treat their wives with much respect, and many even spoil them with their love.

I’m not saying that there aren’t many like your husband, I’m just saying it’s just like any other place in the world – each man is different and it depends on his OWN PERSONALITY, it does NOT depend on his RELIGION.