What does everyone think about fostering kids? Is it wrong?

Question

My closest friend has just been registered as a foster mom. I think she is wrong, because she keeps talking about when she gets 'her' child. How can I tell her sensitively that these children will never be hers, she did not give birth to them, nor are they related. It is driving me a bit insane how she keeps going on about it, if she was pregnant that would be different, but even though she can conceive, she chooses to take someone elses child from them. What should I do?

Answer 1

It's none of your business. She is doing a great community service and should be commended.  She can't "take" the child away from his parents.  The government can, and sometimes parental rights are terminated permanently.  Then she may be able to adopt.

P.S- As someone who has seen firsthand the effects of children living with a mother who does not deserve them, I can tell you that we need a lot more people like your friend.

Answer 2

well I wouldn't say she is taking the kids away from anyone, these kids are in foster care for a reason usually due to abuse or neglect, and your right the idea of foster care is to ultimately reunite the children with their parents, however this is not always a possibility and with time maybe they will be her kids she can adopt them!!  we are in a similar situation, our niece had a baby 9 weeks ago, she has not been heard from in a month and the baby is in child services, so we are going to foster the baby and then hopefully try and adopt her, makes it hard to discuss adoption when the mom neglected her, abandoned her and can not be found!!  Fostering is a great thing, it gives children a chance, someone to bond with, someone to show them what love can be like and it helps build a strong base for the rest of the child's life if the foster parents are right for the job....I kind of rambled, sorry, I just think it is your friends decision and something she is going to have learn more about and deal with..... let her walk this journey, and you can be there by her side to support her!

Answer 3

A child that she doesn't give birth to can only become "hers" (not a great choice in words) through adoption.

there is nothing wrong with foster carers... children that have been taken by force only make up a small percentage of the children that are placed into foster care. other children include those whose parents want nothing to do with them, children whose parennts have died, as well as children whose parents are in recovery (rehab)... not to mention the foster carers who look after children overnight to give their single mothers a break (maybe the only way they can get a break- and every mother deserves a break every now and then!!!)

foster carers are very important and what she has signed up for is a challenging and full on job... but you should mention to her that she shouldn't look at them as her own.

if there was no foster carers... how many more children would be living on the streets or in childrens homes?? i think everyone would agree that a home is a better place to grow up then an institution.

Answer 4

not to sound harsh, but mind your own business.

there are so many kids who need foster homes. many times the parent's lose their rights, and the kids are adoptable. i have an adopted son that i fostered from the time he was 2 days old, and adopted him at 1 yr old. i fostered another baby boy for 3 years. i knew he was going back to his mother eventually. i was also licensed as an emergency foster home. oh, and i have 3 biological children. maybe your friend feels she'd be better as a foster parent than a biological parent.

Answer 5

All children need to be loved. Children are in foster care for a reason. They are probably better of with someone who cares about them than with someone who did something to have them taken away.

Being a foster parent is a great thing. SHE is not taking someone else's child away from them. Shes opening her home to a child that needs to be cared for because that child's parents did something to have them taken away.

Answer 6

stop, 'take someone elses child from them'? she is giving them stability and safety, these children more than likely come from a bad situation and they need help, she is offering them a gateway to a future. how can you say she is wrong?

if they were in a burning building and couldnt get out, but your friend could get to them and save them would she be wrong? they arent hers, should she put herself and her heart out there to do the right thing or sit back and wait for the building to collapse and take them with it?

that is an extreme comparison i know but think about it, they need someone to reach out a hand to them and give them a chance, she is willing to do this.

pat her on the back and buy a teddy bear, you should be proud that you are friends with such a giving and loving person. im sure there is plenty of things she could be doing that is worse than this

ps, i hope she realizes how much you care for her, i know you worry because you love her

Answer 7

tell her that if she didn't love the child she shouldn't had taken her because that means if she gets her own child she would not love this child so she rather take the innocent child back to where she belong, instead of traumatizing the child because she will put her own child first and that one will be a second hand, before that happens you have to tell her that only peoples with loving, appreciating and caring hearts can adopt children not peoples with second thoughts about their decision.

Answer 8

I agree with most of the comments, i would add that foster kids usually have some really bad problems, either with them or the parents or both.

anyone willing to take on such a task should be praised, however i do feel it is sad for the children, the temporary part of the arrangement, that is. Having to go to strangers and not knowing how there going to treat you, and maybe having to leave a favorable situation because of some reason or another. I feel the orphanage approach would probably work better, but certainly not like the olden days, yet with some of its elements namely the discipline. The orphanages could also serve as a training ground for university social work students, and of course be linked with adoption agencies.

And of course the necessary medical and mental health personnel and equipment. My point is, at least with the orphanage, they are all in it together. And it is my belief will come out much better off then being shuffled through a foster care system. Ounce again praise goes out to those who do this, however the system is under manned and wasteful with its funding allocation. There is simply not enough people to do thorough checks,training and evaluations on the foster parents. I believe a well run orphanage with the right vision and steadfastness will far outperform the current foster care system. Thank you for asking a very good question!

Answer 9

How can you tell her? you dont need to "tell her", why would you?

Blood isn't everything. Often foster kids come from a not so great place, like me, and go to a home that will provide what they need.

While not perfect, CPS serves to help better the lives of children. they weren't taken away for a crappy reason, it was obviously the opinion of many that the child's best interest would be to live outside of the biological home.

Family is what you make of it, blood or not, love makes a family. I've had friends that have been around since I was 7, and they are my sisters.

Also, keep in mind, SHE isn't stealing anyone's child. CPS is GIVING her the child.

She's providing a great service and you should be happy to have such a generous friend...especially when you seem so bitter in contrast.

Answer 10

first of all missy, she is not taking the child from them...CPS is taking the child from his / her parents because of abuse / drugs / unable to thrive etc!  I think your friend is wonderful for opening up her home to a child in need.  I have two foster children and one we hope to adopt...he made the decision to call me mommy and I am not going to be the one who tells him no!  I AM his mommy, he IS my son and no one will ever make me feel any different!

Answer 11

You really do need to grow up and get off of the, you have to carry the baby and then bith it in order for the chid to be yours.  Grow up, and get a real life.  Every thing in this world doesn't alway fit into your cute little package of carrying a baby and and birthing your children as you seem to be so hung up on.  Strange ideas you seem to have, really odd.

Some people choose to do more with and in their lives to help make this a better world for other peoples children.  To them it doesn't matter if the children first started out as their own.  What does seem to matter is how much love they have with in their own hearts, that makes them such special people.   These people have some thing inside of them that makes them unique, they have enough love to go around.  

I have a good friend who is a Correctional Officer, he is a ex marine ( jar head) both him and his wife do foster care for children.  I watched as this man and his wife gave  back to  a child that they had in there care, I saw the tears in his eyes at having to give this child back to the real parents.  You'd have thought that he'd lost his own child, I still cry when I think about it .  I have never in my life seen such love as he had for this child, she was his own in many ways.  She was a special needs child, he was her daddy and his wife was her mommy, when her parents were not able to be that for her.  She was loved just as though she was there own.

But time after time they give of them selves so unselfishly, to children that are in need of some one to be there for them when they need it.   They know that these children will end up going back to there parents sooner or later, but they still give from their hearts out of the love that they have.

Some of these baby's are drug addicted, but they still give of them selves.  They know how much work they it will take and even how much money they will spend but they don't care.  You see for them it's all about the babies that are in need of some one to be there for them.  It's not about them selves, its the love that is with in their own hearts that they are sharing with these children.

I think that they are two of the most selfless people that I  know, and I personally think the world of them for all that they do.

As I said you need to grow up and get a real life.  Maybe some day you will come to understand just what it means to be a real parent.  That it is so much more than what you seem to think that it is, your ideas are so skewed that I feel sorry for you.   It could happen, to you one day when you least expect it.  I will keep you in my prayers, because you need all the prayers that you can get.

God bless, as I said I will pray for you to grow up so that you will learn to be able to think out side of the box,  that you seem to have put your self into.

Answer 12

MYOB, I'm sure she knows the child wouldn't actually be hers.  To be a foster parent you have to go through training and psychological exams and these things are covered.  She is probably just excited and says "my child" because she plans to treat the child as though it were "her child"

And BTW I commend your friend for taking on this awesome responsibility.  She is doing a great service.  SHE is not taking someone's child from them.  The state for whatever reason has deemed that the child needs to be removed from an unsafe/unhealthy environment.  She is merely caring for the children.

Answer 13

First, she is not "taking" someone elses child from them.  Foster children are those that for one reason or anohter do not have a permanent home yet.  Instead of putting these children in a shelter or a group home, they are allowed to stay with foster parents until they can find a suitable adoptive family or the child "ages out" of the system.  It takes a very caring person to help raise these children, most have behavioral issues or stress related issues and the foster parent has to be mindful of that.

The fact that she is calling the child "hers" is possibly just her way of showing that she is really excited to have this opportunity.  If it bothers you, maybe as a friend, you should talk to her about it.  Tell her if you are concerned about getting too emotionally attached to the child/children and are concerned with her not wanting to let go when the time comes.

Answer 14

I agree with these people, it really is none of your business. My fiance obviously has a biological mother, then he has a foster mother and and adoptive mother too. He is close to the foster family and the adoptive family. There were biological family issues when he was younger which caused him to be moved around. Its hard on a child to have to go through that and its hard on the families that take them in..How would you feel if you were a child, a family took you in and you were looked at as the outsider of the family just because you arent blood. Thats just stupid. Blood families are a plus but you dont need blood to be a family.It takes love, support and other things to be a mother or a father. I know myself for one hope to have 2 of my own and then i would like to adopt a few. Being my fiance knows what it is like to be in the system, we have both agreed that we would like to take a couple kids out. So my advise to you is to be there for your friend and dont judge her.

Answer 15

actually, quite a lot of children get adopted by their foster parents.. parental rights get terminated all the time. you shouldnt assume that they wont ever be her children. and THANK GOD we have people like her willing to be foster parents!

Answer 16

I am a foster parent and I consider these children to be mine as long as they are in my care. And I love them as if I gave birth to them. There are lots of children in this world who need parents. They deserve them. And giving birth to a child doesn't always make you a "Mom".

Answer 17

my parents were foster parents for about 10 years and there were so many kids that came through my house. it is a good thing, a lot of those kids don't know that a real family is. foster care is a good way for them to learn.

it is none of your buisness what your friend wants to do.

she is doing something for others and the last time i check that was a good thing

Answer 18

honestly just because she didnt have them dosent mean she cant love them like a real mother. and shes not taking someone eles childern. their real mothers didnt want them thats why they're in foster care. do you not know wut that means and if she want to adopte them then they will be her childern.and no stupid F*CKED up person like you should tell her anything its up to her wut she wants to do. and how to run HER LIFE its not yours.so dont tell her anything your a b*tch.

Answer 19

I think you should mind your own business!!!  So your friend wants to  give an abused, mistreated child something they don't get at home.......................love.  Why is that wrong??  People like you are an abomination!!  These children deserve to have that love.......and I commend people like your friend who want to be the one to give it!!   You'd  leave a child in that atmosphere of abuse and mistreatment?  You should be hung out and dried!!!!  My parents were foster parents to over 40 kids in a 20 year period, and every single one of those kids was 'theirs'!!!!   I am now 52 years old, and still keep in touch with several of my 'brothers and sisters'!!!!!

Answer 20

She is doing a wonderful thing.  Why are you so judgemental?  While she is taking care of them, they are "hers."  She has legal and financial responsibility for them, even if she isn't blood related to them.  And if she adopts them, they will be hers forever.  She is not the one taking the child away from someone.  The government does it, and only if the parents are deemed unfit.  Lay off of her and mind your own business.

Answer 21

if someone chooses to adopt a child it can be HERS. you just shut up, blood has no place in a REAL family

Answer 22

I worry about people like you. Do you seriously think this child deserves anything less than a real Mom? I know a woman who took in Disabled Foster children even though she could have children of her own. Before she got them, they were in institutions and abusive homes. Now they have a Devoted Mom and extended family that loves them and appreciates their love and beauty. If it weren't for this woman, who by the way calls them "her babies" they would be in the same sad and lonely places ever. Are you even a parent? You have no heart.

Answer 23

As a former foster mother and an adoptive mother, I applaud your friend for her attitude.  A good foster parent treats each child as if he is her child, giving him the love, attention, care, and support she'd give her own child.  Sadly, some people go into it for the money, but it sounds as if your friend is doing the right thing for the right reasons.  She is not taking someone's child; that has already been done by the authorities.  She is simply providing for children what their own parents were unable or unwilling to provide.  She deserves your support and encouragement, not scorn.  It takes a special person to give her heart to children who may only pass through her life.