What does this say about my lover?

Question

My lover has a friend, she constantly braggs about all the s*x she has and its with married men. To me, If she were my friend I would tell her that what shes doing is wrong, and I didnt want to here about it.My boyfriend doesnt say anything to her about her behavior, which to me says he is okay with it, which makes me think hes okay with cheating. He tells me that hes NOT ok w/cheating, but he doesnt care what other people do in their life, hes not judging her, and says that it does no good to tell her anything. I feel that if you care for someone as a friend its your duty to point out something wrong like this to them and not condone it. Does this mean my boyfriend has no morals??? Id just like some opinions.

Answer 1

Maybe he just doesn't want to get in the way of their friendship. It's her life anyway. My friend cheated on lots of people, i just roll my eyes at him. I couldn't stop him from being that way- it's his choice.

Answer 2

It could be that he is very moral in his own life but feels uncomfortable telling other people what to do.  Or it could be that he is afraid of confrontation and doesn't want his friend to get mad at him.

Is there anything else about him that makes you worry that he might be immoral or ok with cheating?  If that is the ONLY thing, I personally wouldn't worry too much.

Answer 3

i agree with you but maybe he jus doesnt wan 2 get involved

Answer 4

we are not here to judge other peoples lives .... now what you and your boyfriend do is another story when it comes to you two. i am sure she knows what she is doing is wrong but that is for her to decide... who hasnt made mistakes in their love life lol

Answer 5

I think your boyfriend is right it has nothing to do with him what she does in her life. But on the other hand you are right too, i think that by him acting this may it looks like it is saying something and yes if your a good friend you will tell someone if what they are doing is wrong. Keep in mind what i said before if he feels that he shouldnt say anything to her leave him be, hes not doing it to you so thats all you have to think about. Sorry if that sounded harsh :)

Answer 6

i agree with you, i would tell her but maybe your boyfriend works differently and pushing him to tell her might not be the best thing

Answer 7

you are too insecure, ****

Answer 8

no, it just means he chooses to let other people live their own lives and make their own mistakes without interfering. he sounds very passive. he simply sounds like he doesnt care what his friend does.and why should he? its none of his business. nor yours.

Answer 9

Dear Bri23,

This question addresses human behavior in which I am expert as I make my living analyzing human behavior. Here are the dynamics of what is going on.

The girl who is dating or having s*x with married men enjoys the rush she gets from taking someone else's mate and the s*x only seals the deal as they say. This girl of which you write enjoys being the one who seduces someone away from their lover. It boosts her ego and the result she gets is the same as someone who gets a thrill from riding roller coasters. Adrenalin rush as it were. Also she enjoys the pain it causes others when her affairs are disclosed. The derives pleasure and profit from the pain and loss of others. People who do this are by their nature very cruel and self involved. They often times display traits of narcissistic personality disorder.

You find this to be reprehensible because you have a developed conscience that tells you that such behavior is very painful and wrong. The person which you write about lacks this personality trait and if you observe her closely will find she has blunted emotions and gets her social cues from those around her.

Your boyfriends statement that he doesn't judge her and she can do whatever she wants indicates that he agrees with her choices. In a civilized society we must have rules which protect others and ourselves from injury as she can't even experience love in the first place. To ignore social norms indicates a sociopathic disorder and a total disregard for the well being of others.

The girl which you write about cannot feel pain from betrayal and therefor cannot experience empathy for anyone else. When people cheat on someone who loves them, the damage is just as real and painful as if it were physical.

As far as your boyfriend having no morals, you are very close to the point there. It seems that he, by complacency approves of this type behavior which should signal to you to be on your guard. Trust is very important in any relationship. Without it and morals, there is nothing that binds us together in a loving aspect.

There is an old teaching by Rabbi Hillel which teaches us. "That which is hateful to you, do not do to others."

I'm Jewish and this is what we go by. You must choose for yourself how to approach and deal with this behavior. Will you continue to put yourself at risk of hurt or extricate yourself from the current relationship and find someone who is willing to be moral and faithful?

The ball is in your court.

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Answer 10

he probably just doesn't want to meddle

Answer 11

No, it doesn't mean he believes in cheating, it only means he believes in "live and let live."  

Answer 12

He explained his morality to you: he says he does not care.  Her actions do not come into conflict with him.  Clearly, her actions come into conflict with your morals, so you should be the one to tell her you do not care to hear about it.

As a g*y person, I am sure that many people have told you they do not condone your behavior.  How does it make you feel?  I bet it has not changed your behavior, and I bet you do not appreciate what some people may have said.  Most likely your boyfriend realizes this and is minding his own business based on his own life experiences.

I think the real issue here may be how secure you feel about your relationship.  I think you would find resolution to your concern over this by taking some time to think about how and why you are threatened by the differing values you and your boyfriend have.  You may find you have a reason for concern, but you might also find that you are experiencing stresses related to deepening your intimacy with another person.  It happens.